Ten Christmas Shopping Tips & Tricks
If anyone tells you, “Oh, we just went Christmas shopping and it was the best! We hit all the best stores and got everything on our lists!”, turn to them in mock excitement, and immediately proceed to karate chop them in the throat. You don’t need sparkly, prancy joy-boosters like that pissing goodness all over your holiday season. Hell no, you need realists who look at Christmas shopping like the agonizing, gut-wrenching, bullshit chore that it is. It’s not fun, it’s an exercise! It’s not cheery and festive, it’s brutal and life-sucking. But, unfortunately, it’s also a necessary evil because you, Scooter, went out and had kids with your significant other and also promised people you’d get involved in some kind of sadistic Secret Santa horse shit. Good job. Now you have to shop. Dumb ass.
Fortunately for you, Chief, Christmas Shopping doesn’t have to all be doom and gloom. Nope, with a few simple steps and procedures, you can turn an otherwise arduous task into something almost fun. But not fun for anyone else, mind you. Oh no, this is pure, unadulterated personal glee meant for just you. So go on, hit the mall. See how these ten tips and tricks can get you through unscathed.
10) Carry a bloody bag
You’d be amazed at how far from you people will scamper when you’re holding a wet paper bag that’s dripping some kind of visceral fluid from the corner. Obviously, it doesn’t have to be human blood (sure, it doesn’t HAVE to be), you could just throw some old, thawed ground meat in there and watch the fun. You’ll get in and out of the stores in no time.
9) Dress accordingly
How you dress can greatly improve your chances of getting in and out of the mall in record time rather than getting yourself enveloped by the swarming masses. I suggest, from head to toe, a bright red feathered fright wig, a wizard beard, a too-small shirt that reads “Guess Who Farted?”, and a pair of leopard-print bikini briefs outside a pair of assless chaps. Oh, and top it all off with two opposite shoes, like a cowboy boot and a Huarache sandal. Have fun with it!
8) Don’t bathe for a while
Embarrassing and off-putting stink can really turn crowds on their heels and send people fleeing and wretching in the opposite direction. This is exactly what you want to happen. So, for maybe a week (a month might be a bit too much, you do have a life you know) steer clear of showers, toothbrushes, and proper wiping techniques just to be thorough. You really want to work up a nice green cloud haloing your person. In fact, the more your own eyes burn, the better. I suggest a rich mix of ass sweat and shit breath to really round out the effect.
7) Consider bringing rodents
Many of your finer stores would prefer you don’t bring dogs or cats inside, but very few places even mention rats, weasels, or stoats. This is your opportunity to gather a few choice rodents and have them sticking their little noses out from your pockets and pants zipper. Just load up on some mice or gerbils and most people won’t want to get anywhere near you.
6) Borrow several misbehaving children
Don’t bring your own, even if they are a collection of tiny little assholes. Instead, borrow someone else’s rat-bastard younglings and drag them along with you! Make sure they’re good and hopped up on Twizzlers and Code Red Mountain Dew and set them loose in the toy aisle while you go on about your merry way checking items off your list. Who cares if they wipe boogers on a stranger’s coat or pee all over aisle 12, they aren’t your children and you don’t have to give a shit. In fact, no one would know the wiser if you just kind of left them there. Yay, kids!
5) Arm yourself with Nerf or water guns
This is a tricky one because you could get into trouble by just carrying a gun that might look a little like a real weapon, so make sure you pack heat that looks like some kind of space blaster or a weird zombie killing thing. And then load up on rubber-tipped darts and piss water from the toilet, because you, pal, are about to antagonize some mall patrons. Aim for the knees, back of the head, and stupid looking hats, but try to avoid the face. That kind of thing could land you in mall jail. They have those, right?
4) Babble loudly
Few things tell the general populous that you are a stark-raving lunatic like yammering to yourself about conspiracy theories, the government, or your invisible friend who lives in your jacket. So take this to heart and wander the store arguing with the monsters in your head and you’ll be surprised just how rapidly those aisles clear right out. The looks you’re sure to get will be simply priceless, too. Just don’t react to their comments, unless your reactions come with a daffy statement about how the aliens are following your every move.
3) Act lost and / or foreign
Have you ever been to the mall or the store or whatever and you see that weird foreign family milling around in a tight circle loudly being lost and confused as they point toward the dog food and the toilet paper? Well, Bucko, that could just as easily be you! And it should be! No one could possibly know if you shuffle around looking like you might be from Latvia or Latveria or… Maine. Just look lost, miserable, and shout as many foreign words as you can think of like “pantalones” and “doki doki” and “Za Za Gabor!”, people will naturally avoid you and you can peruse your shopping goals at will. Huzzah!
2) Act blind, deaf, or disabled
Okay, you’d have to be a real sleaze to pull this one off, but my guess is if you’re reading this list, being a sleaze is right up top on your repertoire. It’s not too difficult to act blind or deaf, and if you have children you already know how simple that is. Disabled… well, that’s a different monster all together. It would help matters if you could get a hold of a wheelchair, which isn’t too tough, but one that’s motorized to really sell the act would be even better. Look, if you’re gonna go asshole, go full asshole. Then, just motor around and look… disabled. Look, we never said this was a step that makes you feel good about yourself, asshole.
1) Only shop at 24-hour locations
Lastly, Sparky, you could always shop the local 24-hour joints like Walmart, Walgreens, that Speedway around the corner… you get the idea. Most of the time these places have everything you’re looking for and no need to be a dick head if you go really early in the morning or really late at night. Just because we’re being helpful doesn’t mean we think you have to be a giant tool about it. Well, we do think it would be funny as hell, but that doesn’t mean we condone it. Ok… we kinda condone it.