YouTube’s Best Reasons for Gun Control
Here at Gunaxin, we’re pretty pro-gun. We like to think that any reasonably intelligent, safety-minded non-felon should be allowed to buy and use any firearm he can afford to buy. We like to think that most gun owners fit those few meager qualifications, and that the inherent danger of firearms is offset by the numerous faithful adherents to the basic tenets of gun safety.
Of course, we also like to think that Jessica Alba is attainable, alcohol and Vicodin are a healthy part of a balanced breakfast, and that plaid is the absolute epitome of sexy manliness. What we’re saying is we’ve been wrong before.
The plain, simple truth is there are only four cardinal rules of gun safety. Four. There are more rules governing how to properly cross the street, for Christ’s sake. How so many people manage to screw things up so perfectly is baffling in the way that seeing Lady Gaga naked would be: each thing by itself makes sense, but put together they are horrifying and wrong.
In this first video, helpfully titled ‘Two Idiots With Guns’ for our readers who can’t see that for themselves, two gentlemen go to a range to try out one of their pistols. The owner of the gun, whom we’ll call Idiot Prima, gives his drooling friend a limp-wristed crash course in the principles of handgun operation. Idiot Secunda, or ‘The bassist from Sepultura’, simply cannot grasp even the basics of what he’s shown.
That’s a .40-caliber Glock semi-automatic. For as apparently dainty as it seems, it’s a pretty goddamned powerful handgun. This is why, when Secunda puts his thumbs behind the slide, we cheered a little at the sheer scope of his stupidity. When he tries to rest the pistol rifle-style on his left hand, you can clearly see his last two or three synapses trying to scream for help like the last people aboard a capsizing cruise ship made of lard and curly back hair.
Although this one is titled ‘Shotgun Accident’, it’s not nearly as horrible as it could have been. Shotguns are insanely dangerous weapons that, despite what you may have learned from Goldeneye, can cause a massive amount of damage in things that scream and are made of meat. While Goateed Dipshit is yakking it up with the camera man, he’s jerking the shotgun around like it’s the business end of George Michael in a truckstop bathroom.
The only difference is that shotguns won’t hand you a paper towel and a twenty when it’s over.
When it goes off unexpectedly, everyone giggles like it’s the funniest shit they’ve ever seen. At least they were at the range, we guess. And at least his goatee will prevent him from spawning other idiots to mishandle weapons.
Guns, morons and children go together like, well, we’re not sure. A trip to Wal-Mart, maybe. At any rate, this next one is one of those close calls that would make Steven Seagal look up from his bacon-flavored Cheerios and shake his head in disgust.
The first thing you’ll notice is that the dad seems to be an experienced shooter, so he should at least have a passing acquaintance the concept of “Don’t point loaded guns at children.” When the gun goes off and nearly blows a hole in his own son, he mutters something like “You okay?” and forgets about it.
That’s when we see the other gun in the kid’s hand.
Then there’s this champion of child care. We should have known something was awry when we saw the tucked-in purple polo shirt, but hey – we’re pretty forgiving. We gave him a chance, and he basically crapped on our trust.
It doesn’t take a physicist to figure out that exploding gunpowder makes a big bang, and that little children are sensitive to loud noises and burning residue searing off their corneas. The clip ends, we like to think, just before the little girl turns around, deaf, half-blind, and pistol-whips her dad into oblivion.
League of Geniuses
This is a special section dedicated to people who manage to injure themselves through either idiocy or sheer wimpiness.
There’s Moron Who Aims a Pistol-Grip Shotgun Near His Face:
Bonus points for wearing a bullet-resistant vest!
Girl Who Bashes Herself With .50-cal Pistol:
Guy Who Somehow Shoots Self In Hand:
Genius With A Flare Gun:
And the old DEA Agent Shoots Himself While Explaining Gun Safety:
Thankfully, none of these people were seriously injured. On the other hand, if they’d been hurt badly enough someone might have thought to take their guns away, so we guess it’s kind of a toss-up. Okay…thankfully no one turned their head in a fine pink mist.
This is a bonus section for those of you who were brought low by all the preceding stupidity. Rest assured, that sort of thing is not as common as it appears. Most gun owners are safe, responsible people who will beat the ass off anyone who pulls dumb shit like the people in those clips.This section is not devoted to those people.
For your continued enjoyment, we give you the following.
Granny With a Machine Gun
Fat Dude Pantsed By Shotgun
And the winner of Gunaxin’s illustrious There But For the Grace of God Go I award, there’s this guy. He fires a .50-cal sniper rifle, the bullets of which are almost five inches long. These are the bullets that supposedly shred flesh even when they miss.
The bullet ricochets back and…
Yeah. I’d call it a day and go home, fellas.
We’re not saying you should go full-hippy and melt your guns down for scrap iron. We’re not trying to imply that all gun owners are gleefully dangerous retards. We’re not even saying that stupid people should be prevented from owning weapons.
Anyway, the point we’re trying to make is that the solution to the gun control issue rests in the hands of gun owners. It’s up you, the responsible gun owner, to correct any firearm stupidity you see. Report dangerous morons to the range master, or failing that, to the damn police. It’s not your job to cover up for someone who is actively destroying your favorite pastime.
Until the problem is corrected, this issue will come up again and again until you have no rational base to argue from. You’ll be standing there holding forth on the virtues of the second amendment, really just laying into some hemp-clad liberal ponce, when all he’ll have to do to prove you wrong is pull up YouTube and point at his monitor.
Finally, just to prove to you that we’re serious about this, that Gunaxin has your back every step of the way, here’s a video of hot women shooting guns: