Wreck the Malls! A Tribute to The Christmas Parodies of Bob Rivers

If there’s one thing everybody hates about Christmas, it’s that the same twenty songs are taken out every year by every radio station, department store and other hellhole. The carols we all know every last word to, because they’ve been pounded into our brains since birth. The stale ’50s one-hit wonder rock songs. Idiotic novelty Christmas songs that make you want to nuke Nashville flat. The sheer unadulterated sonic mind-hatred that is “Dominic The Donkey”.

They demand to be crushed with obscene parodies, so thank God for Bob Rivers.

Rivers works as a radio personality in the Seattle area, which, the radio industry being what it is, is more of a hobby than a paying gig. And for rent money he produces Christmas parodies. Violent, tasteless, obscene parodies like “Grandma Got Dismembered By a Chainsaw” or “Chipmunks Roasting on an Open Fire”. You probably know him best from “The Twelve Pains of Christmas”:

But he has many, many more, all of which give these beloved Christmas classics exactly the treatment they deserve. So put some hostile Christmas cheer on your face, and buy some Bob Rivers. Then sneak it onto the company Christmas party play-list. We recommend this track in particular:

Thumb thumb chocolate-covered-bacon-recipe George Chewey Scarecrow Lunch

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