Top Ten Fictional Pirates
Ahoy thar, matey! Thar ‘ave been many fictional pirates o’er th’ years, ‘n Gunaxin presents our Top Ten fav’rits from th’ past 60 or so years (so no Peter Blood or Th’ Black Pirate fer those o’ ye who actually remember them). Many thanks t’ th’ Online Pirate Translater fer fixin’ me text so it makes sense. Since today be Talk Like a Pirate Day, we thought it commandeer. If ye ‘ave any problem wit’ th’ list, we’ll make ye walk th’ plank ‘n let ye complain t’ th’ sharks.
10) Captain Crook – McDonald’s
Next up is our first introduction to pirates – from those McDonald’s ads featuring Grimace, the Hamburglar, Mayor McCheese, Birdie the Early Bird, Fry Kids, Officer Big Mac and others.
9) Pittsburgh Pirate – Pittsburgh Pirates
If your team stinks, that doesn’t mean your mascot sucks. The Pittsburgh Pirates have two of them, the pirate and also the Pittsburgh Parrot. However, I’m not too sure how popular this pirate mascot is after watching this video:
8) Morgan Adams – Cutthroat Island
This movie flopped big time at the box office (I believe I was the only one who saw it in the theater) but Geena Davis was hot back then, and also the only chick worth putting on this list, so here she is.
7) Captain Morgan – Rum Mascot
We met this guy out in Vegas and we asked him Gunaxin’s Six Questions. What a job – being a rum mascot. Not sure if that’s better than raping and pillaging, but at least you get to be drunk all the time. While he is technically named after Sir Henry Morgan, a real person, the fact that he serves as a Rum Mascot now makes him fictional enough for us.
6) One-eyed Willy – The Goonies
One-eyed Willy in Goonies has a great backstory, but he’s been dead for centuries, so that’s why he so low on this list. But I’m sure he’d be proud of Chunk (read Gunaxin’s Chunk Tribute) and Sloth (read Gunaxin’s Sloth Tribute) for the way they handled the Fratellis.
5) Captain Barbossa – Pirates of the Caribbean
I feel that this pirate was more over the top than Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow. Depp made the character his own with a Keith Richards impression, but Geoffrey Rush emulated every last mannerism of what a pirate is supposed to be and entertained us with it.
There is plenty of more Barbossa stuff available on Amazon.
4) Dread Pirate Roberts – The Princess Bride
Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I’ll most likely kill you in the morning.
Ah, the Princess Bride. The most quotable movie/bedtime story read to Fred Savage.
3) Long John Silver – Treasure Island
Literary geeks will insist that he should be No. 1 on the list, but since the Gunaxin audience only knows this as a restaurant, I’m happy to inform them that he is indeed a fictional pirate, as well.
2) Captain Hook – Peter Pan
Captain Hook held the title as No. 1 for so many years as Peter Pan’s nemesis. However, Peter Pan – who is often played by a female – is the nemesis. That’s like The Joker battling an androgynous Batman.
Captain Hook Polystone Bust
There is more Captain Hook stuff available on Amazon.
1) Captain Jack Sparrow – Pirates of the Caribbean
Yes, it’s Johnny Depp, the #1 pirate on the list. He played the role to perfection and was even nominated for an Academy Award. We’ve lost count of how many movies he has played this role not, but obviously the first was the best.
Jack Sparrow – Tonner Character Figure Doll
See more Jack Sparrow stuff on Amazon.