The Ten Tackiest Christmas Traditions
Everyone knows Christmas has become a commercialized contest to see who can outdo the next person, especially within one’s own family. But gift purchasing aside, the decorating of the holiday has turned into something so plastic and phony that it almost feels like we’re living in a snow globe. The tastelessness of decor (and decorum) has steadily risen and we’ve done away with home-made holiday ornaments and even farmed trees for the far more fake and disgusting white plastic, pre-lit trees and store-bought decorations that have the same loving appeal as a lifeless doll. Hurray for America!
What shimmering item could we use just nearly too much of on our tree this year? Oh, I know! How about tinsel! Let’s fling a wad of shredded metallic Easter Grass all over the branches of our meticulously trimmed tree with its gorgeous lights and heirloom decorations. Now that just screams class.
“Hey honey, where did we get this sticky, sweet-smelling brick and why is it on the table?”
“That’s a fruit cake from Aunt Flo, dear! Isn’t it nice?”
“Where’s my gun?”
Clashing Christmas icons aside, these two talking and glowing tchotchkes, however whimsical, should really be kept locked away for special occasions. Like an office party where everyone’s already drunk.
Unless you are a comely lass decked out in sheer green-and-red stockings and matching too-short frilly-white skirt, I think it is best to avoid dressing for the Holiday. I challenge you to find one smart looking big fat idiot sporting an ill-fitting Christmas costume… well, besides Santa Claus. And he’s a handsome devil none the less.
There is a fine, fine line separating a well-designed light pattern across the eves, windows, and doors, and a house that looks like Christmas threw up all over it. If your Holiday light display is running up a power bill higher than you had all summer… WITH THE AIR CONDITIONING ON… you need to seek counseling.
The Holidays are often defined by how well we and our families can dress up and look painfully gleeful in front of the Christmas Tree. Let your inner turmoil and struggles with your over-zealous Christmas spending shine through in a big, phony, toothy-grin! No one will notice!
Measure twice cut once. Survey and study the layout and square-footage of your living room and don’t disbelieve the numbers. If you need to lop off another entire tree from the one you just purchased to cram it into the room, something went terribly wrong and now no one can see. Or, there’s this tree in the picture. I’m speechless.
Just remember: you are going to have to take them all down eventually. Do you have an entire miniature city complete with 200 carolers and passers-by? Do you have little bells and bows all over every vertical object in the room? Do you incorporate aerosol snow into your Holiday motif? I’m so, so sorry.
How many times have we seen a touching moment on TV where some poor sap is caught unawares under some strategically hung mistletoe only to get denied by the very woman he’s been fruitlessly attempting to make out with the entire time? Nobody likes mistletoe. Ever.
Be creative, but not too creative. If you are over thirty years old, that’s too old to be making gifts. Pictures of your kids aside, back away from the glitter and stickers, little Jimmy, and spring for something a bit less… stupid. Oh, and by the way, underwear and socks aren’t gifts, they’re ridiculous afterthoughts and that person hates you.