Ten Unnecessarily Over-The-Top Characters
Everyone loves watching something sensationally ridiculous. John McClane drives a car into a helicopter, the crowd goes wild. Real bears play hockey at a Russian circus, disgusted or amazed everyone watches. There exists a special tier of excess so reckless, that it is only crossed by those with more guts than brains. The results are always mixed, always fascinating, but only attainable when all rules are thrown out the window and literally anything is possible. It is through this type of daring that someone like Snowflame, the super-villain fueled by cocaine, comes from. This is what happens when you give creative people great power, and absolutely no responsibility.
The original Frankenstein story is pretty intense. A mad scientist playing god, a soulless abomination, there was a lot going on. As with all classic tales however, someone out there had the idea to jazz it up the only way that made sense: adding prostitutes. In Frankenhooker, medical school drop-out Jeffrey Franken (see what they did there), was deeply in love with his fiancée. Suddenly, one lawnmower tragedy later, Jeffrey finds himself heartbroken and desperate. After putting his dead fiancée’s head in the freezer, Franken drafts a foolproof plan. He creates a strain of crack that causes people to explode, gives it to a bunch of hookers, harvests the remains for usable parts, and attaches them to what little is left of his love. Surprisingly, things go wrong when Frankenhooker comes to life, and she hits the street corners of New York City to partake in a sexy rampage. With the inclusion of a pimp named Zorro, this story has everything it takes to make Mary Shelly rise from the dead in disgust, which would be quite ironic.
Trogdor means many things to many people. To some he was a man. Others say he was a dragon-man. More accurately he was just a dragon, but always named Trogdor. He came from humble beginnings, (starting from the marriage of an ‘S’ with a slightly different ‘S’) but quickly evolved with the additions of teeth made from consummate V’s, angry eyebrows, wings, a beefy arm coming out of the back of his neck, and majestic lines representing majesty. Trogdor burninates the countryside with a frightful efficiency, leaving peasants and their thatched-roof cottages smoldering in his wake. It may be excessive to bring an uzi to a knife fight, but last time I checked excess still gets the job done. So legendary is this beast/man/man-beast, that it is rumored that a virgin can become pregnant hearing the mere whisper of his name.
Batman is a character whose entire existence revolves around being able to do anything, anywhere, at anytime, with no explanation required, simply because ‘he’s Batman’. How can you possibly up the ante on that? What could possibly be done to raise him onto the next level, surpassing the likes of even Raptor Jesus? The answer is Captain Leatherwing, the pirate Batman. That concept alone should take more than one sentence to fully absorb. A pirate Batman? A Batman with a sword? A Batman that pillages and plunders? A Batman that cheats on his pirate bride with Captain Felina (Catwoman)? A Batman with an Italian servant named Alfredo? Leatherwing makes ‘drunken billionaire burns down mansion’ seem like Nancy Drew.
Sometime in the future, a comet hits the Earth causing a massive drought resulting in water becoming a scarce and valuable resource. Malcolm McDowell plays the evil head of the water and power companies, who takes notes from a board game and uses these utilities as building blocks to create a fierce monopoly. Fighting ‘Water & Power’ is a rebel group known as ‘The Rippers’, led by rapper Ice-T. Somehow, Tank Girl and her dorky friend get involved, Malcolm McDowell gets a robotic arm and a hologram head, and there is a large dance number to save a young girl from a brothel. The plot is crazy, the film style is all over the place, Courtney Love was chosen to be the music consultant, and there is far too much going on to humanly absorb. Amidst such madness, can any one thing possibly stand out as over-the-top? Well, the Ice-T led Rippers are actually experimental super-soldiers created by splicing humans with kangaroo DNA. The only problem is, instead of getting a bunch of Captain Americas, they ended up with an army of pissed off Kangaroo Jacks. They’re just lucky they didn’t end up with a squad of Captain Kangaroos.
Once upon a time, someone at Marvel took it upon themselves to create a character whose sole responsibility was to be nearly impossible to kill. His entire skeleton was coated with an indestructible metal, and in case that wasn’t enough, he was given a healing factor allowing him to regenerate from pretty much anything that can be thrown at him, impaled through him, or detonated beside him. This was not enough for Marvel, who decided that an alternate universe exists where nearly all of Earth’s superhumans were exposed to an alien virus which turns them into zombies. Even though Wolverine’s healing feats from the past indicate that he should be able to shrug off such a disease, he too was contaminated and Marvel provided their answer to an age-old philosophical query: ‘What happens when you make the unkillable man even harder to kill, and give him an insatiable thirst for human flesh?’ Damn good entertainment, that’s what.
The Transient is a independent short film with horrible special effects, worse acting, and genuine B-movie feel. It’s about a vigilante hobo who takes down street gangs ruthlessly, utilizing such devices as exploding watches and bricks to the face. This low-budget Rorschach and his social worker soon discover that leading the gangs is none other than the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln. It turns out that Lincoln was not assassinated, is actually a vampire, and can break his curse by collecting the blood of 87 women. Once he is human again, he plans to reclaim his rightful place as President since his second term was abruptly halted. Realizing they are in over their head, The Transient digs up a zombie he previously buried in the park, puts him on a leash, and charges after The Great Emancipator. Vampire Lincoln steals the show not because of the ludicrous concept, but because somehow he is the most believable part of this clusterfuck of a movie.
When you make a bio-pic about Genghis Kahn, there should be very few surprises. He crushed, he killed, and he conquered, with all of the carnage you would expect the leader of the Mongol hordes to cause. Instead of choosing the majestic mixture of a pirate and a viking as the title character, they subbed in America’s greatest cowboy John Wayne. This choice was so horrible, that it even managed to distract from the accusations that filming so close to former nuclear weapons test sites endangered the cast and crew. 41% of them developed some form of cancer within the next 21 years, but no one really remembers that. They just focus on that hideous/glorious Wayne-stache.
Dinosaurs (especially the carnivores) inherently make good villains. Something about them seems not only ruthless and savage, but frightfully powerful, like a rabid gorilla that somehow got hold of an Uzi. But what happens when you combine the physical threat of the world’s largest animals with the evil genius of the Nazi regime? The result is Tyrannosaurus Reich, the Nazi dinosaur comic book villain. Few villains could be less sympathetic, except perhaps a giant robot Nazi dinosaur, but that’s pretty far fetched.
Most of Godzilla’s opponents are little more than ridiculous mash-ups or super-sized versions of typically harmless animals. Occasionally though, someone will take the principals of over-sized monster creation and abuse them to a pornographic degree. Enter Gigan, a gigantic flying cyborg who has large hooks for hands and a chainsaw coming out of its stomach. As if this wasn’t enough, he is eventually decapitated only to be upgraded by his alien creators who replace his arms with chainsaws, enable him to shoot razor discs from his chest, and give him a jetpack. This cornucopia of badassery is the wet dream of any Robot Wars fanboy.
It started with a typical day for Jesus: relaxing at the beach, making a sandcastle, and drinking lemonade. Everything gets a little crazy when vampires show up, but thankfully Jesus knows his way around a cross or two. Recognizing a major threat he gets a haircut, beats up a gang of atheists, and hunts down the vampires that are targeting his lesbian friends. After Jesus loses a rooftop battle which ends in lesbian Mary Magnum being turned into a creature of the night, God himself calls in a couple favors and recruits Mexican wrestler El Santos to help his son in this time of need. At the end of the day the vampires are defeated, the lesbians are saved, and everyone learns an important lesson about teamwork.