Ten Types of People Who are Easily Hateable
Throughout this crazy trip called life, we are bound to cross paths with various kinds of people. Some we will learn to love, while others we will love to loathe. For purposes of this exercise, let’s focus on the latter. It goes without saying that certain folks are going to rub us the wrong way. They could be family members, romantic interests, co-workers or friends of friends. Whatever the case, the desire to punch them in the face, or at the very least distance ourselves from them, is strong. Eschewing obvious choices like racists, Nazis and conservative talk show hosts, here are ten types of people who are easily hateable.
The Amateur Therapist
These creepy douchebags are always offering a shoulder to cry on, but they are doing it for their benefit, not yours. They get their jollies making you one of their patients and dispensing false diagnoses. Watching Dr. Phil every day doesn’t equate to being qualified to cure behavioral problems or stage interventions, but that won’t stop the wannabe therapist from doing those very things.
The Nonstop Talker
From the moment these loquacious lumps appear, their mouths are flapping incessantly about the most vapid topics. They are normally devoid of personality, so in order to “fit in” to the group, they share whatever inane thoughts enter their minuscule minds. They specialize in clearing rooms and inducing migraines, and should be avoided at all costs.
The Unfunny Comedian
There’s nothing worse than the guy who believes himself to be a poor man’s George Carlin. No matter how many awful quips or pointless anecdotes he delivers, he still can’t take the hint that laughing at one’s own jokes doesn’t make one funny. Here’s a helpful tip: if you want to generate laughs, commit suicide via auto-erotic asphyxiation. It’s a knee-slapper every time.
The Constant Complainer
Nobody kills a mood quite like the asshole who won’t stop bitching about traffic, gas prices, customer service, taxes, the price of pork bellies, having to work overtime, the dog that craps in his yard, reality television, etc., etc. You know what really sucks, Constant Complainer? YOU! You and your piss-poor attitude about all aspects of your pathetic existence. Do us all a favor and drive into a bridge abutment.
The Advice Columnist
Similar to the Amateur Therapist, only worse. These miracle workers just can’t wait to pitch in their two cents on all subjects. Be it the best toothbrush to buy or how to most effectively discipline children, they relish sticking their probing noses where they don’t belong. If we wanted your lousy advice, we’d kick you down a flight of stairs and ask the easiest route to the nearest hospital.
The Broke Entrepreneur
These assclowns are always one step away from becoming the next big thing. In the interim, they are fond of borrowing twenty bucks and never paying it back. I’m sorry your website featuring salamanders playing soccer didn’t go viral and your plan to install toilets into car seats fell flat, but I’m not your personal piggy bank. Stop pretending you’re another Mark Zuckerberg and get a thankless, mind-numbing job like the rest of us.
Parents who talk about all the wonderfully cute and amazing things their kids do is fine. Unless it’s the only topic they are capable of broaching. Some conversations can do without mention of little Billy’s adventures in potty training or adorable Annie’s carrot up the nose gag. It’s okay to switch off SpongeBob, let loose and be an adult now and again.
Mr. or Mrs. Important
Bluetooth in the ear. Constantly checking iPhone or BlackBerry. Always running late. Ya know the type. Their job is crucial to preventing worldwide economic collapse and they love reminding you ad nauseam. They don’t have time to associate with dregs of society who work a mere 40 hours per week. They are important and have some place important to be.
The Needlessly Needy
Normally found in the same circles as the Amateur Therapist and Advice Columnist. They can’t figure anything out by their lonesome. Every minor pitfall is a full-blown crisis. Every argument must be deconstructed. Their painfully naive approach to life is a burden on all those unfortunate enough to know them. They are selfish, humorless and unwilling to take responsibility for their own failings.
Serial Relationship Killers
Entering into doomed romantic entanglements and self-sabotaging healthy relationships is their forte. They claim to want marriage, kids and all the fixings that come with a “normal” coupling, but are pathologically ill-equipped to keep a mate. Their refusal to address their own rampant insecurities makes them impossible to please and unbearably annoying.