Ten Lies You Might Hear Today

lie e1365101692174 560x276Wow. Whomever decided to lay out the holidays for April really doused out the more sinister sides of humanity, didn’t they? First we all get to start the month with ‘April Fools’ Day’ where everyone gets to relish in the fact that they’ve either successfully made their friends and co-workers believe that they’re getting a sex change, or else they’ve fallen for about sixty pranks about bullshit rumors on The Walking Dead (yeah, yours truly fell for two… like an ass).

Anyway, as I was saying, it turns out that April 4th is ‘Tell a Lie Day‘, which is kind of like the more twisted, sick older brother of the aforementioned ‘April Fools’. Think about it: The day kind of gives you the license to really out and out come up with something so dastardly and shitty as to exonerate you from any and all faults stemming from any load of shit you lay out. I’m not too sure how I feel about that.

So let’s take a look at ten lies that are bound to be heard today. Or, really, on just about any other given day, now that I think about it.

10: No, I clicked a link and all this PORN came out!

This one’s great when you’re married and your wife plods in while you’re glaring at donkey porn. One of those ‘Instant History Clearer’ buttons is an excellent plan. Trust me.

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9: I promise I was out with the guys, honey!

If you’re gonna deceive your spouse by heading to ‘The Beaver Dam’ instead of playing cards with your buds, you might want to shake the glitter out of your hair and bring a shirt not festooned with crotch sweat before you head home. Just sayin’.

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8: I really needed these new shoes, I swear!

I don’t know if this actually happens much anymore in this day and age, but I suppose there are some women out there who still need a matching set of footwear for ever single scrap of clothing they own.

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7: No, sir! This used Saturn is sound as a pound!

Used car dealers are notorious liars so a day like today must be their Christmas. We bought a used vehicle two years ago and we’ve officially put more into it than we paid for it. There is a special place in Hell for people like these.

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6: No, no. That kind of thing happens all the time!

Says the woman (wife or otherwise… geez, can you imagine?) who has just experienced what we men refer to as ‘blowing it far too soon’. Have I ever been a party to such embarrassment, you might be asking yourself? Moving on…

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5: Don’t worry. Coke isn’t addictive!

This one is pretty common, actually. Dipshits who listen to their ass-hat friends try to explain to them that hard drugs like heroin and crack aren’t going to get them wanting more almost instantly. This is why I still huff pain fumes to this day.

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4: I’ll pull out, I promise.

No. He won’t.

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3: It’s all formalities. Just sign here.

Formalities equal small print which in turn equals shit you really, really ought to read. If the person you’re signing for tries to talk you out of bothering to read all that tiny type, punch him or her in the throat because you will get screwed later on.

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2: If you give me your vote, I guarantee change!

And by change, of course he means ‘for the worse’. Look it up in the ‘All Governmental Terms Dictionary’. You can find it in your local library.

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1: Seriously, ‘Duck Dynasty’ is a GREAT show!

Yep.

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