Six Porn Productions That Came Out of Nowhere

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Porn can be divided into two types. One is done professionally in studios by experienced peddlers of smut, with actual production values. The other is done in dorm rooms by douchebags, and girls with very low self-esteem and/or high blood-alcohol content. Such is the way of the world, but every now and again a porno comes along that challenges the way we think about smut. Usually in baffling and disturbing ways. Honestly, we would have been content going through life and not knowing that, somewhere out there, exist porn done by…

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Alan Moore

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He is: the insane, heavily bearded UK hobo impersonator who fancies himself a magician. Oh and, also one of the greatest comic book creators in history, the writing force behind “Watchmen”, “V for Vendetta” or that “Frank Miller’s Daredevil Parody.”

His porn: “Lost Girls”. In this graphic novel written by Moore and illustrated by Melinda Gebbie (his wife), we join 3 classic children’s book characters: Alice from “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland”, Dorothy Gale from “The Wizard of Oz” and Wendy Darling from “Peter Pan”, who throughout the story engage in more sexually perverse acts than a discount hooker at the Prison for the Criminally Horny.

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“Lost Girls” was planned as straightforward pornography from the get go, to which the author, Alan Moore, freely admits. Well, to be fair the graphic novel was supposed to be more of a “beautiful pornography” but still – if it looks like a duck and gives you boners like a duck, then as far as we’re concerned, it’s duck porn.

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Metaphors are fun!

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A 9-year Old Korean Boy

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He is: an unnamed South Korean 4th grader who was arrested in 2005 for creating and distributing home-made pornography through his own website and a few P2P programs, becoming probably the youngest filth merchant in history.

His porn: a series of videos and pictures he took together with a couple of friends, all of which were younger than 10 years old. This will sound so wrong but… Thanks GOD this Korean porn only had children in it. By which we mean: luckily there were no adults involved in this afterschool project. Otherwise this would have been (way more) disturbing.

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What? You didn't really think we would try to find it, did you?!

The videos, allegedly, were of a very unambiguous sexual nature, but seeing as all of the participants were underage there wasn’t anyone who could take criminal responsibility for them. The arrested student was later released after getting a stern talking to.

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And no more making porn, is that clear?

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Aleksey Mitrofanov

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He is: an infamous Russian parliamentarian and member of the political party LDPR, the closest thing that comes to “opposition” in Russia without being buried in the woods with 20 bullets in the head. Also, an outspoken supporter of pro-Russia governments in the post-Soviet bloc.

His porn: “Yulia” – A 26-minute soft-core porn production, sponsored and produced by Mitrofanov, featuring the lookalikes of politicians Yulia Tymoshenko (to whom the title refers to) and Mikhail Saakashvili. Timoshenko and Saakashvili just happen to be the ex Ukrainian Prime Minister and the President of Georgia, respectively. For some bizarre reason, the two seem to view the movie as a personal attack on them, for supporting democracy in their countries.

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See? This is the main difference between Russia and the West. When they cannot find an embarrassing sex tape of their political opponents, they go out and make one. Hmmm… There is a Yakov Smirnoff joke in here somewhere…

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In (post)Soviet Russia, people watch porn of YOU!

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Separatist Indian Rebels

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They are: NLFT, the National Liberation Front of Tripura, a militant terrorist organization based in the Indian region of Tripura, whose goals include secession from India and forming an independent state.

Their porn: scores of porn flicks done by the rebels themselves and local tribal women, sold in the Indian black market and in the neighboring countries, with profits directly funding their terrorist endeavors. Did you recently purchase some underground Indian wank material where the “actors” might have looked a tad terrified? Congratulations, you just sponsored terrorism. Every shot in your Kleenex was like a 9mm bullet into some poor bastard’s head.

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But don’t think that these are all some story-less low-budget in-and-out sessions where only occasionally a loaded automatic rifle gets in the shot. Reportedly, this rebel porn often has an actual plot, with heroes falling in love with the heroines, and then boinking them while a bunch of terrorists watch and (probably) touch themselves.

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Pope Pius II

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He is: a 15th century leader of the Catholic Church. Born Aeneas Sylvius Piccolomini, he was a pretty standard Pope, with a prayer here, fancy dinner fit for 20 kings there, and the occasional manuscript written in between.

His porn: “Historia de duobus amantibus”. One of the most read books of the Renaissance, according to some scholars, depicting lovers’ trysts full of (what was considered back then) sizzling action and hopefully lots of horny Gypsies. This was written a few years before Pius even became Pope and today would be considered so tame they would probably stick it in the young adult section of the library, but still… dude, an erotic novel from a guy who became Pope. Check out this passage right here:

O fair neck and pleasant breasts, is it you that I touch? Is it you that I have? Are you in my hands? O round limbs, O sweet body, do I have you in my arms? O pleasant kisses, O dear embraces, O sweet bites, no man alive is happier than I am, or more blessed.

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Thomas Edison

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He is: the unseen villain in Christopher Nolan’s movie “The Prestige” who stalked poor David Bowie and then burned down his laboratory out of jealousy. Allegedly also invented the light bulb, phonograph, and a phone that lets you talk to the dead.

His porn: naughty stop-action flickers Edison put together and sold in New Jersey when he was working on the movie camera. In 1890 Edison bought one hundred motion picture plates from eccentric English photographer Eadweard Muybridge, some of which you bet your bony behind were of naked people, and used them to construct one of the first porn stereoscopes.

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Today we have access to 3 such productions (NSFW). One is of a semi nude girl jumping from rock to rock. The other is of a fully naked woman bending over to pick up a ball, and the third is a man in full swing so to speak, throwing a ball. In short – 3 pictures, 4 boobs, 1 penis and 4 balls. It seems Edison’s love for boobs was rivaled only by his obsession with balls.

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