Six Best Backyard Wrestling Accidents
Is is wrong to laugh at the pain of others? When society tries to dissuade their actions with public outcry, media scrutiny and several “DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME” warnings, the answer is no. Backyard wrestlers want to put on an entertaining show, and while someone may find entertainment in watching two suburban kids open hand slap each other in the chest, most of us just want to watch the accidents that must naturally ensue when these foolish warriors forget the differences between themselves and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.
For every one person that wants to take a dive from their parents’ roof, there are two people who greatly undervalue their spine and go for a back-flip from a shorter height instead. For reasons that can only be explained by a NASA supercomputer, these folks are usually tall, chunky and have absolutely no back-flip experience.
As the commentary team is happy to announce, this is a hardcore match -- so hardcore that it’s taking place on a pair of queen size mattresses in someone’s backyard. Under normal circumstances one would notice the unfolded chair next to the spring-supported battle dome and, knowing that gravity is about to fold someone like wet origami, feel a twinge of sympathy. But then our cameraman makes a rape joke and not only do you hope that something goes wrong, you hope it goes wrong with fire. It’s entirely possible this botch prevented a sexual assault. There’s a pretty good chance this guy forgot he even had a penis after this.
There’s no set up necessary for this one so just dive right in.
See what I did up there?
Despite being scripted entertainment and not really a sport, professional wrestling still requires some athleticism to pull off the more interesting and high-flying stunts. However, it shouldn’t take that much to leap off a chair and hit a peak height of about three feet, yet the above video is proof that some people simply can’t be trusted to not screw something up. Either this guy's legs got distracted by the tragedy they foresaw and forgot how to function, or this was staged by Bollywood stunt men.
“Is he going to jump?” Given that the subject of the sentence was running towards the edge about halfway through that question, he's either going to jump or fall with all the grace of a building collapse, but either way you can only hope he’ll land directly in the back of an ambulance and save his friends the trouble of trying to carry this future wheelchair enthusiast to the hospital.
The title of this video, “Painfully backyard wrestling accident,” leads me to believe that the fall knocked both the wind and grammar out of our hero. I’d also like to note that the guy in the green shirt is a tremendous but dedicated asshole. Even after watching his pal bounce like Antoine Walker’s checkbook, he still goes for the pin even though there’s nothing to be gained and two people at most are watching. He knows the first two rules of wrestling: never break kayfabe and never break falls.
Sometimes the best action happens outside the ring.
On one hand I have to admire the dedication of these guys. Even though their "arena" consists of a wide open space and whatever they could loot from a neighbor’s garage, those production values make them the Tim Burton of assholes hitting each other with folding chairs. But all the thought that went into assembling the stage means nothing if you forgot to secure the ramp. That’s the kind of absent-mindedness that invites physics to lash out at us. And the target of this natural science is World Champion A.J. King, who can now say he's tasted more wood than Senator Larry Craig in a men’s restroom. He may have survived the fall but his pride has yet to regain consciousness. A blind person could have warned him this was going to happen if they weren't so busy laughing at him.
Either society needs to ban roofs or we need to do intensive background checks to determine who has the right to a spine. We could save millions of dollars annually on the cost of full body casts alone. Surgeons plan their summer vacations after watching this clip.
Before you start to wonder where exactly this stunt goes wrong, you should know that there’s exactly zero ways to piledrive someone off of a house and through a table correctly. But let's assume for a second that another reality exits wherein two amateur stuntmen can somehow find the coordination to launch themselves and land on the table as safely as possible. What's underneath that table? The planet Earth. Notable for not being soft, the planet Earth is also in league with Satan, who views teenagers flinging themselves from rooftops as foreplay.
We join this train wreck already in progress:
Tip for all you future ER patients reading this: when fifty-percent of the space in your ring is occupied by free-standing junk, someone is getting bitch slapped by something. There was once a time when man didn't fear the ladder, a time when ladder ownership was a sign of strong work ethic and a willingness to clean gutters. The fact that the guy getting power-bombed didn’t spend the last few seconds of his life watching his brain shoot out of his head is a testament to the structural integrity of his hair. That hit was so hard that his social security number forgot itself.