Seven Ways The Earth is Going To Kill You Real Soon


Just because humans haven’t been on the planet for all that long (a couple hundred-thousand years by most counts) doesn’t mean that the Earth itself hasn’t been spinning away into oblivion for billions more beyond that… because it has. You see, when the Earth was little and still skinning it’s knees on the driveway and shooting at squirrels with its Red Rider B.B. gun, it was also growing and changing and going through uncomfortable adolescence and discovering girls and pubes. Its plates were shifting, its mountains were growing, and its molten core was spurting forth new pieces of land. Yeah, imagine that happening in miniature all over your body right about your fourteenth year. So as it grew, expanded, stretched, shifted, and erupted, it also aged and aged and aged. At this point, while the planet was under residence of dinosaurs and various sauropods, so much oppressive change and regrowth was going on that the world virtually tore itself apart. Well guess what? It’s going to occur again. And you live here now. So, good luck with that.


Earth Changes

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Edgar Cayce was a self-proclaimed psychic and prognosticator and therefor, a complete lunatic. He prophesied that ‘Earth Changes’ were soon to wrack the planet triggering a series of events that would rend the ground asunder, split the Earth at its very seams, and create mass hysteria up to and including dogs and cats living together. He also concluded that all of the following would go down (Wikipedia): “This includes “natural events” (such as major earthquakes, the melting of the polar ice caps, a pole shift of the planetary axis, major weather events, solar flares and so on) as well as huge changes of the local and global social, economical and political systems.” So wanna know what’s really funny about this basket-case? Turns out he’s kinda right. Awesome.




As you can plainly see that since the root-word here is ‘catastrophe’, nothing good can possibly come of this. And it doesn’t. This particular theory encompasses quite a few different viewpoints all of which boil down to any and all of the following: the mass shifting of Earth’s crust, and a ridiculously huge war. Some of these varying theories include: Geological Paradigm Shifts, Gradualism, and Geomorphological Changes. Basically a bunch of made-up terms referring to the simple fact that Earth is about to hit it’s proverbial ’40th’ birthday.



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A pretty simple rule of thumb is: if a word has the prefix, ‘mega’, then it’s either really big and kick ass, or really big and ass-kicking. In this case, we’re talking of course about an enormous wave of Biblical proportions that will rise up and virtually wipe out all living things on every coastline the world over. Now as most people know (see: scientists), typical tsunamis most often occur when some kind of shift in the Earth’s crust happens below the sea’s surface. With this event you get massive tidal waves often speckled with drooling surfers. Megatsunamis, however, are slightly different as they can be formed by impact occurrences like when Kirsty Alley does a cannonball. As you can imagine, the wall of water is pretty damn big.



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See, when scientists and their ilk steal awesome words like ‘Super’ to describe events that are anything but, it really diminishes the impact when said nomenclature is used for prefixing things like roller coasters and big-ass rockets. Not cool. Anyway, here we have something that could be potentially far worse than even a million-foot solid wall of moving water: a gigantic, Earth-shattering volcano producing an eruption filling over 240 square miles. Maybe that doesn’t seem that big since 240 miles is roughly the distance from where I live (Kalamazoo, Michigan) to Chicago, but just assume for a second that said distance was actively on fire. Now you’re getting it. What’s most unfortunate is even if just that 240 square mile lava flow wasn’t to move very far, the ash cloud alone could basically cover the globe in a gray, acidic blanket. Hurray, Earth!


Gamma Ray Burst

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Isn’t outer space pretty and really, really cool? Yeah, it is. Oh but wait! In its inky blackness and seemingly innocuous presence lies an act so sinister… so destructive that the naked eye can’t even see it. So what the fuck is it? (Cue ominous music) Gamma Ray Bursts! (more thunderous music). That’s right, whenever a supernova occurs (that’d be a star being turned into a black hole), massive amounts of gamma radiation more powerful than the sun has poured out over its entire 10 billion-year lifetime flow forth through space and, can potentially, smear Earth like a spit wad. So what could possibly happen to us? Well, for the simple and basic sake of argument, let’s just say we orbited a big ass ball of fire… a star, if you will, and a shit load of these GRB’s can and have destroyed stars much the same as our own… oh, wait. We do orbit the sun and… what did I just say a second ago? Oh shit.


The Rapture

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I am a Christian. That’s really all that needs to be said about that. But, what does need to be looked at is what we Christians have to look forward to, and you not-so-Christian folks, well, don’t. I refuse to be preachy and there’s no need to go spreading Gospel in this particular article, but, that being said, while we’re on the subject of destruction… well, check this out: Jesus is returning and he’s got an agenda. The Earth an its inhabitants (well, some of them) have royally fucked shit up and he’s just about fed up. During Rapture, those who have given themselves to God will be kickin’ it in Heaven with Jimi Hendrix and Bea Arthur, while those who have been left behind… well, maybe you ought to read up on it. It’s pretty deep. Let’s just say, it might not be a bad idea to get all your ducks in a row pretty soon.




What’s marked on your calendar for 12/12/2012? Well if it’s, ‘Dinner with Mom at PF Chang’s’, now might be a good time to reschedule. You see, according to those brilliant yet wacky Mayans, one of several things might, possibly, go down. It could mean the end all be all of the Earth as we know it where the poles themselves actually relocate and land masses raise from the sea while others submerge for ever. This mess also includes the customary earth quakes, volcanoes, and tsunamis. Another theory is that this particular end of the Mayan written calendar simply means a new spiritual awakening and transformation. Still others conclude that this might refer to the Earth’s T-boning a black hole thereby sending us on a journey back to some previous time where we meet our ancestors, or else we implode in a ghastly un-doing. Either way sounds loads of fun. Or, in this case, probably nothing will happen. But just in case I’d put off that new furniture order… for a while.

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