Scientific Explanations for Three Popular Porn Genres

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There are four types of people in the world: those who watch porn, those who lie about not watching porn, corpses and (thanks to everything that is good and holy) your grandma. But why do we love porn so much, and more importantly why do we love certain kinds of it? Believe it or not, science has been hard at work trying to figure it out, and now, a few thousand smut flicks and 200 Kleenex boxes later, they might have possibly found an explanation for the attraction to:

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Hentai

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You think you like it because:
Because no other genre  of porn can satisfy your perfectly natural needs to see virile 14-years olds getting it in every possible way from giant monster tentacles. That and, well… the pretty animated women don’t judge you, or laugh at you or spread vicious rumors around the school that you can’t get off unless someone shouts random Japanese phrases at you.

What does science say?
Now, we are no doctors, despite what we tell the people waiting in line at the free clinic, but if you catch yourself spending a little too much time with your animated smut, it is possible you have schediaphilia, a sexual attraction to anime and cartoon characters. As with most paraphilias (that is “sexual attraction to nonhumans, suffering or non-consenting partners”, represented in one gruesome package by, say, zombie rape), it is important to separate a simple sexual fantasy triggered by novelty and an actual factual sexual psychological condition. So, unless you start a petition to marry a manga character, you probably have nothing to worry about.

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Lusting over Jessica Rabbit is still acceptable

Being a rather newly observed phenomenon, there aren’t that many studies directly related to schediaphilia and the attraction to Hentai, mainly because a) it would make for a pretty awkward grant application and b) the world is not that beautiful of a place just yet. That being said, outside the obvious reasons like basically reinventing the concept of perversity and boobs the size of most moons, there are some studies which seem to explain a certain level of boner activity in the presence of Hentai. For example, a number of comparative studies on the nature of attractiveness performed on students from various ethnic backgrounds, across many cultures, have concluded that the universal markers of doability include faces with large eyes, big pupils, small noses, small chins and big smiles. Sounds familiar?

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According to science, you have an erection now

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Amateurs

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You think you like it because:
Because amateur porn is real, man! It’s not plastic, phony and cliché like mainstream porn, ya know. It actually shows people you meet on the street every day. Never mind that most amateur porn has worse production values than a kindergarten sock-puppet theater, features positions that don’t really let you see anything, and doesn’t have a satisfying ending – it’s gritty, it’s real and it’s now!

What does science say?
It’s not that amateur porn is more “real” or that it eases your mind knowing that you’re not the only guy in the world who only sticks to 2-3 key moves during Bone O’Clock. Science says we actually find “average” women more attractive than the silicone centerfolds in “Playboy” or “Enema Monthly”. While everyone enjoys big boobs, long legs and a firm butt all on their own, it turns out what really gets one’s loins all red-hot is a waist to hip ratio of 0.7 on an average body.

In a study involving 100 male university students, the researchers from the UNSW and the University of Queensland used line drawings of torsos and asked the participants of the experiment to pick the most attractive one. The experiment clearly showed that amateur body proportions are the most appealing. Also, that modern young people will find the most gruesome things even remotely attractive:

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Look at that hot dismembered torso

That means our bodies and brains love us some average women whose waist is about 70% as broad as their hips. That would put them at size 14, concerning clothes. There might be a number of reasons for why that actually is, but most likely a disproportionally distributed body fat and roundness you might find on many porn professionals simply doesn’t fool our sub-consciousness. The 0.7 waist-hip ratio simply points to a maximum evolutionary fitness, so wanting such a woman to spank us and burn our chests with cigarettes is perfectly natural.

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Perfectly natural

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Ethnic Beauties

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You think you like it because:
Because a man can’t live on bread and water alone (which in this metaphor stand for naked women of your own race). Besides, it’s always a good idea to get Yellow/Jungle/Honky Fever early on, so as to avoid any complications later in life. They can get quite dangerous if you catch them as an adult, you know.

What does science say?
It’s all about inbreeding. You may have just grimaced at the word and for very good reasons. Inbreeding is a devastating thing for a species seeing as it causes debilitating birth defects a few generations down the line, so humanity is naturally averse to it (except European royalty of course). What in Satan’s glorious name does inbreeding have to do with ethnic porn?

Some studies suggest, that the more “exotic” a person seems the more attractive he/she will appear to be. Not only because it is something “new”, but because vastly different facial and bodily features instantly spell “genetic diversity” for your brain. “Genetic diversity” is like a magical turn-on set of words for our bodies because it guarantees basically no chance of doing the horizontal foxtrot with your cousin. In short, the less someone looks like us, the more we want a piece of that. We are evolutionarily wired to crave some strange from strangers in a strange land.

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Originally an erotic novel

So, combining what we’ve learned from all these studies, the sexiest possible woman would be an animated average looking foreigner. And there you were feeling weird for obsessing over Dora the Explorer. Don’t you feel better now?

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Yeah baby, you can teach us anything you want

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