Predicting the Next Five Facebook Fads
If you logged onto Facebook in the beginning of December, you probably noticed that many of your friends had replaced their profile pictures with a picture of a cartoon character. Now, as awesome as it is to make it look like you’re friends with Batman, this organized effort had an even nobler goal: to eliminate child abuse forever. Thousands of people selflessly took seconds out of their day to upload a picture of Scooby Doo or He-Man so that children around the world can grow up abuse free. And guess what? It worked! Pedophiles and alcoholic parents looked at that sad expression on Optimus Prime’s face and realized what terrible people they were, and thus no child will ever be hurt again! Great work, everyone!
But why quit there? If Facebook can stop child abuse, it can stop anything. It’s only a matter of time until the Internet’s mighty power is harnessed to combat another terrible problem, and we here at Gunaxin want to help you get ready. So we’ve used our amazing prognostic powers (which mostly involved drinking a lot of malt liquor) to predict the next five causes that Facebook will take up. Don’t miss out!
OK, so we’ve eliminated child abuse. But for children in developing countries, the fact that they’re not being abused will be of little comfort when they starve to death. So take down your obsolete picture of Pikachu and replace it with your favorite food, to give everyone a stark reminder of that oft forgotten fact: people around the world are hungry. Then it’s only a matter of time before they’re not anymore! (Not hungry, we mean… not not people, that’s silly. -Ed.)
How can world hunger possibly stand against the combined might of hundreds of thousands of profile pictures like that one? Oh wait, it totally can’t!
Isn’t it sad when somebody gets murdered? Don’t you want to let the world know how tragic you think it is? Well of course you do, but coming up with an eloquent way to get that message across is tough. We can’t all be poets; but luckily, we can all copy and paste the beautiful words of one.
There, now everybody knows your controversial stance on murder: you’re against it. And that’s all you have to do! Once enough people post this solemn memorial to the deceased, the problem will simply go away. It’s like you’ve helped to murder murder itself! Oh, but be extra careful to follow the “at least one hour,” part of the instructions, or nothing will happen. What, did you think murder would just go away without any sacrifice on your part? Come on, this is Facebook, not magic!
Sexual assault is a terrible crime, but it’s not one that’s going away anytime soon. Unless everybody changes their Facebook profile picture to one of an attractive woman! Then potential rapists will be so distracted by the parade of lovely ladies online that they won’t even bother going outside to find a real one, and you’ll have helped to take back the night from the comfort of your living room.
And there are plenty of other benefits to this campaign aside from the obvious world changing ramifications. Won’t it be nice to see cute girls on the pages of all your friends? Especially your ugly ones? You already know what they look like, and half of them have stupid pictures anyway. This will make using Facebook like, ten times more erotic. At least.
Now, we know that many of you bravely grew moustaches in November to help eliminate prostate cancer once and for all. But there’s no point in having a squeaky clean prostate if you have to get your testicles lopped off, is there? So once more unto the breech soldier, and together we can give your genitalia complete cancer coverage!
This time hair will be eliminated instead of grown, so even men who can only grow one kind of moustache—the 16 year old pedophile-stache—can participate. Much like Movember it will be a month long process (we think it will be in September, or, as it will be known then, Sacktember), and participants will need to keep their friends and family updated. Of course, since your participation in Sacktember won’t be immediately obvious to most people (unless you’re a nudist or a flasher), you’ll need to post plenty of status updates and pictures on Facebook to let everyone know how hard you’re working!
Alright, so Facebook has done some great things, but there’s still an elephant in the room. The elephant is war, and the room is the entire world. Now, violent conflict has been a part of human society since we discovered what pointy sticks can do, so we won’t be able to eliminate it by simply changing our profile picture or posting a status. No, this calls for a group.
See? If enough people get together, anything can happen! Of course, for a cause as big as a permanent end to war we’re going to need a lot of people, but it wouldn’t be much of an achievement if it happened overnight now, would it? Don’t worry though, that doesn’t mean there will be a need for any extra work on your part. All you have to do is hit “like,” and then you can bask in the warm glow that comes when you make a difference. Then, with a little patience, Facebook will bring peace to the world; and that’s a status update we can all hit “like” on.