Nine Places Superheroes Hide Their Costumes
Being a Superhero isn’t all just life-saving and ass whoopings. Sometimes, behind the stoic facades and stolid exteriors lie angry men and sad women. Yeah, but who gives a shit about that nonsense, we all want to know where these super folks stash their outfits when they’re not sporting them. Up their asses, one might speculate? No. Well, maybe Mr. Fantastic but that’s only because he can actually perform goatse.cx. Gross.
Well as it turns out, some of the most famous heroes have pretty cool spots in which to smuggle their Spandex. Not many actually slip them on before leaving the house and after shoveling down a loaf of toast and a half gallon of Sanka. Some have some seriously ingenious ways to keep the general public from putting a simple addition problem of two and two together. I mean, shit, it’s not like many of these people go to great lengths to mask up and really blanket their well-known mugs. Yeah, some do and that actually makes a modicum of sense when you’re trying to keep the populace unawares that it’s really you kicking the piss out of some gigantic robots that are stomping death all over the city. But most are like that master of disguise (ha!) Hannah Montana (that is to say, not really)… and yes, I just used a Hannah Montana reference. I just felt my balls recede a little. Anyway, on with the list.
Apparently the citizens of Metropolis (and especially those people most often close to him like Lois Lane and Jimmy Olsen) are confused and dumbfounded when it comes to the natural act of removing one’s glasses. Clark Kent is one of those superheroes who does surprisingly little to conceal his identity when slipping on the Superman duds. Literally, taking off the spec’s and wetting-in a spit curl and bam, there is no way that’s Kent anymore. No damn way. I guess it’s just the dazzling appearance of his iconic costume that mysteriously turns the town into complete idiots, because his face sure as shit doesn’t change a wink. As for the costume itself, it seems to be always hidden beneath Clark’s business attire and, since he wanted to bury his ever-so secretive anonymity, he often discarded his regular garb in a phone booth. Classy. Sure, the general populous of the city still can’t seem to grasp the concept of very poor facade finagling even if Lois and Jimmy have figured it out a tie or two. High five for the hammer of obviousness.
Bruce Wayne has a big problem. Gotham seems to be a pretty good sized city, and when the billionaire is out and about at functions or double-teaming Selina Kyle and Pam Isley, he’s pretty shit out of luck if Clayface comes stumbling into the vicinity tearing shit up. His costume, even though it appears sleek and form-fitting on the outside, is a pretty bulky and heavy affair not even taking into consideration his utility belt and reinforced footwear. There’s just no perfected way to snuggle that much extra mass under a top layer of fine suits. So, more often than not, Wayne’s Batman kicks are stored all up in the Batcave. Wait, that came out wrong. Not ‘Batcave’ as in Bruce’s brown-eye, I mean the Batcave as in his actual lair. Yes, we all know Bats has stashed a shitload of little sneak-holes that lead to the lair all over Gotham (ignore the fact that no one’s discovered these yet) and he can drop in on a dime and don the duds. But it’s also true that Bruce sometimes carries the necessary gear with him in either the limo Alfred’s in, or else in whichever Bat-vehicle he’s procured. Otherwise you’d have Killer Croc ripping shit asunder for a good 35-45 minutes while Wayne ran home and changed. Yeah, no too realistic that.
Bobby Drake is a pimp. Not only is he a svelte, built-looking dude that draws the ladies in like flies to a shit pile, but he’s also the living snowman, Ice Man. He’s chill, too cold, and ice ice baby all wrapped into one. And that was the worst array of adjectives ever placed into one sentence and I am sorry. But Bobby doesn’t need to stash his X-Team duds under his clothes or in a shed, or even in the trunk of his car. No, according to the 80′s toon, ‘Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends’, ol’ frosty just encases himself in a giant Popsicle, punches free like an entombed yeti, and WHAMMO! Ice Man with a pretty uniform and everything. Well actually, in the show he really didn’t have much more than some Underoos on beneath the ice layer, but in the comics he has an ‘X’ emblem that covers his chest as well. Or at least did, at one point. It’s hard to keep up with costume changes these days.
Peter Parker’s pretty smart. His outfit is always just within reach. Either he slips on his form-fitting body suit after eating his Corn Pops and heading to class (under his clothes, by the way… lest you thought he just went traipsing around the town with it all exposed ‘n shit). Or, when he’s out snapping pictures of ‘himself’ for the paper, he tends to hang a backpack full of his things way up in an unreachable corner of some skyscrapers. Good thinking. But this still leaves the whereabouts of his full-face mask. Especially the first option. Where the hell does that mess go? It’s not like it’s some flimsy piece of fabric, I mean the damn thing’s all Plexi-glass and bullet-resistant. Well, it’s kinda unclear what happens the most often; either it’s attached at the base of the neck to the rest of the costume and subsequently tucked down inside his clothes, or else it’s a separate piece and shoved into a pocket. A big, really wide pocket. That’s definitely not something you’d want to lose or misplace. He’d have to snip a few eye-holes in a paper bag and then go thwart The Lizard looking like a colossal douchebag. Either way, Parker does a fine job of making sure his get-up is well hidden, while still more or less acting like a normal dude.
Eddie Brock is the anti-Peter Parker and, subsequently, Venom is very much the anti-Spider-Man. Brock is a hard-headed, muscle-bound sporty jock, whereas Parker is a science nerd. Yet, both do their Hero/Villain duties very well. The one major difference in field wear is pretty simple: where Peter’s is actual clothing, Eddie’s is a symbiotic alien that feeds off anger and turns the recipient into a psychopathic freak. And the best (or worse depending on how you look at it) thing about a living critter clinging to your being like some kind of demonic Band-Aid is that it can quickly become your ‘outfit’ instantly! Such a deal! When Venom is needed, ZING! he’s all up on ya like white on rice… or, black on licorice… whatever. And he covers every square inch of your business… every. Square. INCH. The symbiot basically fills more holes than a over-active porn star. It becomes fangs, it becomes claws, it becomes webs… whatever you need. Oh yeah.
Billy Batson has a lot riding on his ability to change from mild-mannered, awkward adolescent into one of Earth’s mightiest heroes. Most importantly, his name is derived from several Greco-Roman Gods… oh, and Solomon who, well, wasn’t a god. Anyway, the fact is when Billy needs to become Captain Marvel, he needs only shout SHAZAM! (that’s Solomon, Hercules, Atlas, Zeus, Achilles, and Mercury) and immediately he’s imbued with nearly limitless power, knowledge, skill, wisdom, and strength. Oh, and a really snazzy costume, too! That’s right, C.M.’s get-up is all part of Billy’s ability to holler a word at the top of his lungs. It’s a bit like Bastian in ‘The Never Ending Story’ only with less drama but more clothing. Oddly, there is another similarity between Batson and Bastian as well. When Captain Marvel is all gussied up and ready for ass-kicking business, he still retains the child-like innocence of a teen-ager. Bastian, too, suffered from… well, being a towering pansy. Anyway, the point I’m making here is somewhere between Billy and the big guy… he’s probably in just his tighty whities. Eww.
For this particular entry we’re going to focus on the Hal Jordan Green Lantern, since, in all actuality, there has been six Earthling Lanterns. Also because the new live-action Green Lantern hits theaters this summer and it, too, is Hal Jordan. We’re nothing if not commercial whores. Anyway, Hal is (or, was) a test pilot for the U.S. Government when one day, out of the blue, an alien craft smacked into the planet only to reveal a dying Abin Sur handing out Lantern rings like candy. Hal took the ring, and the Lantern charge-box to go with it, effectively becoming the new Green Lantern! Yay! So now that you know all that, where does Jordan keep his classy green duds especially when he’s typically seen wearing a flight suit? Well shut up and I’ll tell you! It’s green energy. Yeah, just that spectacular folks. The Green Lantern’s outfit is more or less befitting the wearer in terms of style and attractiveness, but the simple fact remains: it’s made out of the same shit as every other green thing that manifests itself from the the ring. Nice.
Stranded on Earth since 1955, J’onn J’onzz is a true Martian who was accidentally sucked to earth in a botched teleportation experiment that inadvertently killed the inventor in the process. But J’onn is nothing if not resourceful and decided to hang around on Earth (like he had a choice) until our own scientific advances reached his so he could go home. Yeah, good luck with that. Even comics have limitations. So, Martian Manhunter here decided to adopt a persona of a crime fighter and eventually become a member of the JLA. Not too shabby for a lost alien. J’onn’s costume is pretty iconic when you get down to it, but since he is an alien and it’s still really obvious even with the duds on, why even bother? Does he have naughty bits to cover? Maybe, but the point is everyone else has a costumed identity, so, it stands to reason that J’onn has one too. With one caveat: it ain’t clothes. It’s all him, folks. That’s right, J’onn and all others like him are shape-shifters. So, in actuality, his get-up is all him. He’s still nude, just… flamboyantly. How’s that for quick change?
Quite possibly the coolest hiding place for any Superhero in which to smuggle his costume has got to be The Flash’s. Everyone knows that the Flash’s power is to move really, really quickly. Like, so fast that if you farted, the Flash would be in another Time Zone before the stink even hit. Or, if you threw a shit pie at his face, he could super quickly switch places with you so that it hit your face instead. Yeah. Anyway, the Flash has a bright red outfit and it really stands out, so where the Hell does he keep it? Sure, he could wear it under his clothes but then we’re faced again with that mask issue like Spider-Man. So, instead, he keeps it in… wait for it… his RING! Of course! Why use a far simpler idea when cramming it into a magic decoder ring from Cracker Jack makes a ton more sense! Fortunately, for all of us (especially when the writers can mop their brows with a sigh) it turns out that Flash’s outfit is made from unstable molecules so it’s mass can be reduced so that it fits in a ring. Oh, well that certainly exp– wait, what? Whatever, ignore it. This also explains how The Flash can zip through solid objects without leaving his clothes behind. It’s all about vibrating atoms and adhesive covalent bonding… it’s complicated. His damn costume is in his damn ring. Enough said.