Job Hunting Tips for the New Graduate (With a 2.0 GPA)
It’s that time of year again: college students throughout the country are getting ready to graduate and enter the real world. The first goal for many graduates will be to find a job—a daunting task considering the state of the economy, the fierce competition for the best positions, and the fact that you spent most of your college years crushing beer cans against your head.
Remember how at the end of every semester you said that next term would be the one where you’d buckle down, study hard and pull up your GPA? Well next term never came, and now you’re graduating at the bottom of your Women’s Studies class, the field you were only planning on staying in for a year so you could meet some girls before switching to engineering. You are so fucked.
Luckily, Gunaxin is here to help. Our guide will help you overcome the many challenges of both the job market and your own ineptitude, allowing you to find satisfying employment despite your many, many shortcomings. Assuming you have a very loose definition of “satisfying.”
First things first: you need to find a career that’s appropriate for you. Now, even the most accomplished graduates can’t be picky when it comes to finding their first job, and you’ll be lucky to even find a job at all. Therefore, you should focus on locating the scant few positions you actually have a shot at.
What kind of jobs are we talking about? Some sort of clerical work, you think? Yeah right, like anyone’s going to trust you with paper. You’d probably cut somebody’s jugular open.
Maybe you could work at Starbucks for a bit? You know, just to get a little experience? Forget it; they expect their baristas to know coffee inside out, and to use weird Italian terms. You can’t meet those lofty standards.
A janitorial position? Come on, you haven’t even cleaned your own room in three years. Besides, nobody’s going to hire someone who looks like they’d use the fumes from the cleaning supplies to get high.
No, the mainstream job market is no place for you. You’re going to have to explore some unorthodox options.
For example, did you know that people are willing to pay good money to inject all sorts of untested drugs into your body? It’s true! Sure, there are potentially dangerous side effects, and you’d have all the dignity of a lab rat—but the hours are great!
Or how about a job in the exciting field of sewer cleaning? You spent many nights in college coated in your own filth, so why not branch out and see what other people’s excrement is like?
And if that doesn’t appeal to you, there’s always pornography. Don’t think you’re above it—adult entertainment is a perfectly respectable industry full of hard working men and women, and those men and women need trusted assistants to keep their assholes bleached. You could be that assistant!
Of course, even fluffers have to show that they’re qualified, because the last thing a porno director needs is some amateur lubing the wrong erection and mucking up an entire scene. That leads us to…
Writing a good resume is all about stretching the truth. Picture the truth as a condom, and your resume as your head that time you fit a condom over your head on a bet.
This is especially important for you, because your truth sucks. The guy who graduated summa cum laude from Harvard might not have to embellish his achievements, but you need to exaggerate like you’re Crystal Mangum at a rape investigation.
First, your education. Your joke degree and pitiful GPA won’t impress anyone, especially since you got them from a school with less stringent admission standards than Tila Tequila’s vagina. You need to make yourself look far more educated than you really are.
Did you ever go to parties at other colleges? That time you got drunk at Yale and threw up in their library can be turned into a semester as an exchange student. Sure, you didn’t spend the entire semester there, but if your interviewer makes assumptions like that based on your ambiguous wording then it’s their own fault.
Another option is to supplement your education with a second degree. Don’t worry, this won’t involve any actual learning—if you pick the right school you can get a diploma in days, and for just a few hundred dollars! An MBA would improve your resume a lot, and most human resource departments are too busy to check if the school you got it from is reputed, accredited, or not run out of some guy’s basement.
Next, your work experience. Making this section look good is all about choosing the proper wording. Did you spend a couple months flipping burgers at McDonald’s? No you didn’t, you “expertly facilitated rapid meal preparation in a fast paced environment.” Your time as a grocery store clerk? You “ensured that staple foods were made available to hundreds of people on a daily basis.”
Finally, your extracurriculars. New graduates don’t have much experience, so these are important for making up the difference. Volunteer work is especially impressive, but the closest you come to volunteering your time is when you stop for pedestrians. Rewording other, less altruistic moments in your life will be the key here.
For example, let’s say you got thrown out of your campus bar because your cheap ass couldn’t pay the tab, and while you were getting tossed you shouted incoherent threats at the bouncer. That embarrassing scene can be phrased as “led a student protest against local establishment’s unfair business practices.” And just like that, you’ve gone from drunken lout to social activist. See how easy it is?
This works with any event, no matter how trivial, shameful or illegal. Remember that final exam when you let your buddy cheat off of you? Congratulations, that made you a selfless volunteer tutor. Your regular patronage of the local strip club? Don’t be embarrassed about it, because you frequently donated your time and money in support of underprivileged women. That time you got drunk and ran naked through the campus daycare, scarring dozens of children in the process? You raised awareness for the tragic issue of child sex abuse, and don’t let that harpy daycare worker tell anyone otherwise!
Between your incredibly low standards, your resume’s finely spun web of lies, and the fact that at least one jaded human resource director out there wants to play a cruel trick on his company, you’re bound to score an interview sooner or later. If they want to talk to you, you’re already halfway home—don’t blow your chance by being unprepared.
Let’s talk about what you wear. It’s always best to err on the side of formality, which is why you should go to every interview in a tuxedo.
It shows style and sophistication, but formalwear also makes you feel confident—and confidence is the most important part of an interview.
Remember, they want to hear all about how you’re the best man for the position, but you’ll only be able to convince them of it if you sound like you mean it. Confidence isn’t something you can be taught, but there is a little trick that can help you out.
If you’re feeling nervous on the day of the interview, try bringing a gun with you. Nothing makes a man feel confident like a firearm, and you’d be surprised at how well interviews go when you’re packing heat—not only will they give you the job on the spot, but they’ll give in to all your demands, too! A higher starting wage? No problem! You want that corner office? It’s yours! Access to the company jet? We’re just a local restaurant, but OK, we’ll get you a plane!
Of course, you must remember that what’s promised at an interview doesn’t always translate into reality—what they say may be nothing more than a trick to get you to sign on the dotted line. Keep your expectations realistic, and be aware that when you show up for your first day they may not treat you quite how they said they would.
So you’re confident and well-dressed, but that won’t do you any good if you flub the interview questions. Nobody likes answering these stock queries, but you’ve got to put up with them if you want the job. Thankfully, some questions are so common that you can anticipate them and plan ahead. We’ve created a sample interview using the most frequently asked questions—use the responses provided to guarantee yourself success!
Interviewer: Why don’t you begin by telling me a little about yourself?
You: I was created by a team of elite scientists for the sole purpose of doing this job. I’m the greatest lover the world has ever known, and I can fit fourteen gumballs in my mouth.
Interviewer: Um, okay. So, you’re a new graduate. How will you compensate for your lack of experience?
You: Well, I’m a really quick learner. In fact, during college I learned so quickly that I didn’t even have to go to most of my classes.
Interviewer: Impressive. Now, what would you say is your greatest strength?
You: I already told you, fourteen gumballs. I’m not even shitting you. If you have some I could prove it right now.
Interviewer: Uh, that won’t be necessary. Moving right along, what is your greatest weakness?
You: I often work so hard that I’m not able to spend quite enough time with my family as I’d like to.
Interviewer: Well, finding a balance can be difficult.
You: You’re telling me! Especially since I’m an alcoholic.
Interviewer: Yeah, that’s… wait, what? That’s a serious problem!
You: God, you sound just like my parents.
Interviewer: I’m not sure if someone with your… condition is appropriate for this position.
You: Are you discriminating against me just because I’m far more likely than the other candidates to show up hungover and be fired for gross incompetence? I think the ACLU would like to hear about this!
Interviewer: Okay, I think I’ve heard enou—oh my God, is that a gun?!