Girls Gone Wild, and Other New Charlie Brown Specials

peanutsCharlie Brown fans rejoice! The animation division of ABC television has announced a whole slew of new specials about good ol’ Charlie Brown and the whole Peanuts gang to hit the airwaves over the next three years.  “This is very exciting for us.” Says Steve Mallory, Executive Vice President of ABC Animation. “It’s long overdue for Charlie Brown and the gang to enter the 21st century. True, the old specials are classics. They are forever embedded in the collective heart of the world.

The new specials will in no way diminish this. That said though, it is a new age that we live in. It’s time for this to be reflected in America’s favorite gang of rascally kids.” We couldn’t agree more. That is why we are extremely pleased to have the exclusive scoop on the future of Charlie Brown. There is no word yet on the exact air-dates, but presented here is the rundown on the next three years worth of Charlie Brown specials.

The Girls Have Gone Wild, Charlie Brown

It’s spring break and Charlie Brown and the gang are in Fort Lauderdale for a week of sun, fun, and sin! Will Charlie Brown finally score with the Little Red Haired Girl? Will Sally succeed in lessening Linus’ inhibitions? Will Snoopy defeat The Evil Red Baron? These questions and many more will be answered in the most revealing Charlie Brown Special ever!

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Charlie Brown and the gang frolic in Fort Lauderdale during a week of sun, fun and sin!

Toss the Salad, Charlie Brown

CBS animation has teamed with Chris Rock to produce this prison set special. Charlie Brown, having been framed for a crime he didn’t commit, meets a variety of unsavory characters behind the walls of a maximum security prison, including “The Tossed Salad Man” in the most distasteful Charlie Brown Special ever!

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Chris Rock stars in this co-production of The Scared Straight Program.

It’s the Right Thing to do, Charlie Brown

Charlie Brown comes of age as he is forced to make the most difficult decision of his young life. Snoopy, having been bitten by a raccoon, comes down with rabies. Is Charlie Brown man enough to do what must be done? Find out in the most heart wrenching Charlie Brown Special ever!Charlie Brown comes of age as he makes the most difficult decision of his life.

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Charlie Brown comes of age as he makes the most difficult decision of his life.

You’re a Goddamn Idiot, Charlie Brown

Why beat around the bush? He can’t fly a kite. He falls for Lucy’s trick every time she holds a football for him to kick. His baseball team is one of the most losing-est in history, and he can’t even get to first base with The Little Red haired Girl. We’re just going to cut to the chase with this one, the most to the point Charlie Brown Special ever!

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It all boils down to one simple fact- Charlie Brown is an idiot.

Tell your Dog to Quit it, Charlie Brown

Snoopy’s being badly. Lucy’s had enough. Can Charlie Brown train him to behave before Lucy has him sent to the pound? Find out in the most explosive Charlie brown Special ever!

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Snoopy is being bad. Lucy has had enough.

You Should Have Accepted Christ as your Personal Savior, Charlie Brown

Charlie Brown has died and his immortal soul is burning in an ever lasting sea of fiery Hell. It’s what happens when you don’t go to church and you ignore Jesus. Read your Bible, and see for yourself in the most preachy Charlie Brown Special ever!

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Good ol' Charlie Brown has died and gone to Hell. How could this have happened?

It’s Friday the 13th, Charlie Brown

The Peanuts gang are counselors at Camp Crystal Lake. Unfortunately, there is a history to the camp that they are unaware of. Apparently, a number of years ago, Miss Othmar’s only son drowned in the lake while the counselors ignored his calls for help, choosing to fornicate instead. Thirsty for revenge, she is now killing any and all new counselors that come the camp. Can Charlie Brown survive the horror? Find out in the most bloody Charlie Brown Special ever!

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It's Friday the 13th. Can the Peanuts Gang survive the horror?

And Finally…

Charlie Brown and the gang are crossing a treacherous mountain pass when the blizzard of the century kicks up leaving them stranded with precious little supplies and absolutely no food. Somehow, some way, Charlie Brown becomes the leader of the group and he is forced to make the difficult decision that in order to stay alive, they must sacrifice Linus to have food enough to sustain them until the thaw comes and they can get off that God-forsaken mountain. So that’s what they do, they eat Linus to keep themselves alive.

A few days later however, the snow melts and they get to where they were going. Then, the special is really about Charlie Brown coping with the trauma of having cannibalized his best and some would argue, only friend. Sure, Linus would call Charlie Brown a “Block Head” but he called him that with an irony that can only be appreciated by true, life-long friends. Charlie Brown is never the same after the mountain experience. Not even frequent visits to Lucy’s psychiatric booth can help him find the inner peace he lost in that blizzard of snow and hell.

So, finally on Halloween night, out in the Pumpkin Patch where he laughed so many times at Linus as he waited in for The great Pumpkin to appear and declare his patch the most sincere, drunk and hopped up on crystal meth, Charlie Brown with a Smith and Wesson taken from Schroeder’s dad’s gun cabinet blows his own brains out. The name of this most provocative Charlie Brown Special ever is, YOU’D STILL BE ALIVE TO TODAY IF SCHROEDER’S DAD HAD BEEN A RESPONSIBLE PARENT AND LOCKED THE GUN CABINET CHARLIE BROW.

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Charlie Brown and the gang are starving. What choice do they have?

Of course, Charlie Brown has also been making a appearances on a number of reality TV shows here of late, including, but not limited to:

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Charlie Brown is voted out of Survivor.
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