Five US Presidents it Would be Awesome to Get Drunk With

Obama Beer 560x339Maybe you’ve never said it aloud, maybe you’ve never consciously pondered it, but deep down, you’ve probably always wanted to drink with powerful people. And who is more powerful than a United States President? We have here a list of five Presidents it would be awesome to get drunk with, and no, Harding did not make the list because he was a hypocritical douche that got drunk all the time while publicly supporting Prohibition for political reasons. Now then, on with the list:

William Howard Taft

william howard taft

Taft: he’s like Wilford Brimley with more weight and surprisingly less diabetes.

The President

Fun fact about Taft: he once got stuck in the presidential bathtub, and had to be forced out by his assistants. Someone actually graphed out Taft’s weight throughout his life, and judging from the spike during his presidency, I think it’s safe to assume he’s quite the stress-eater.

weight diet life

Someone should do this for Oprah.

Along with being one of the fattest presidents ever, Taft is also the only person to have been both president and Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. All he had to do was become Speaker of the House and he would have gotten the hat-trick.

The Drinker

President Taft actually got in trouble with the media during a trip through St. Louis, because he was seen drinking cocktails in the morning. Quote from the New York Times:

“One annoying feature of President Taft’s journey through the West has been the controversy caused by the presence of Bronx cocktails at a breakfast party he attended. One does not have to be a clergyman or a total abstainer to reprehend the practice of drinking cocktails before breakfast.”

- New York Times, September 24, 1911.

Those damn New York Times reporters, harshing everyone’s buzz. For those drinking along out there, a Bronx Cocktail is just a regular chilled martini with a shot of orange juice added in. Frankly, that doesn’t  sound like a bad way to start the day.

Bill Clinton

6a00d8341c630a53ef0120a88f1a87970b 600wi 242x300

Bill Clinton is the king of smug smiles.

The President

Bill Clinton’s hobbies include: drinkin’, abusing his marital vows, and playing saxophone on national television.

bill sax 300x273

There’s a huge difference in results between a Google image search for “Clinton sax” and “Clinton sex”.

Clinton, the partier’s president, ran the country through almost 8 years of financial prosperity, before getting a BJ from some fat chick and lying to the nation about it. Although, from the looks of her, he was probably drunk when it (and she) all went down.

140442

Very drunk. A verier ugly.

The Drinker

Well, given that he’s married to Hilary, I’d imagine he gets smashed on the regular. Plus, there’s Family Guy‘s representation of Bill Clinton at a press conference:

clinton 560x460

My editor is telling me that Family Guy is not a good source for accurate depictions of politicians.

(The hell it’s not. -Ed.)

Bill Clinton has professed before to favor a drink called the Snakebite. There are many different types of Snakebite (only one of which Clinton likes), and they all promise to seriously fuck you up.  For instance, there’s the Snakebite consisting of Yukon Jack and a splash of lime, which presumably constitutes an average Friday night at Montana State University. There’s the Snakebite made from tequila and Tabasco sauce, but Clinton doesn’t like that one either, answering the age-0ld question: “Is Bill Clinton in a Mexican sorority?” In actuality, Clinton’s drink of choice is made with 1/2 pint of cider and 1/2 pint of beer (specifically: a lager). If you’re feeling adventurous, you might also throw in a shot or two of some decent vodka. But don’t drink all that right away; we’ve got a lot more presidents to go through.

Barack Obama

ObamaBarack

The President

Barack Hussein Obama is most well-known for being the first US president that wasn’t born in this country, and if you think that was a serious statement, then you should probably stop reading this and go back to protesting at Ground Zero.

Barack Obama was elected to clean up the shit pile Bush created during his administration, and has since become one of the most under-appreciated presidents ever. So far, he has reached the first nuclear arms treaty with Russia in 20 years, pledging to reduce the nuclear arsenals of both countries by a third; passed sweeping health care reform; passed the stimulus bill while lowering taxes; and ended the war in Iraq.

It would seem like he’s accomplished a lot and deserves credit, but thanks to Fox News, most people don’t even realize what he has gotten done. According to a study by the University of Maryland, 53% percent of people think that their taxes have actually increased, despite the fact that they’ve done nothing but gone down since Obama came into office. Thanks, Glenn Beck.

The Drinker

The Beer Summit. Just look at those pints.

beer summit one 560x355

But if he really wanted to connect with the nation’s youth, he would have held a 4Loko summit.

Obama has probably been photographed drinking beer than any other President in history. Part of that is probably the era we’re living in, but he seems to truly enjoy it. He even picked up some home brewing equipment and encouraged the White House chefs to try their hand at it. The results were better than expected, and they even released the recipes.

Now, given that he’s also a smoker, we have to wonder what he was like in college. I imagine there were a lot of forties and blunts. Although Obama has said before that he prefers beer (now he is officially the best President ever), drinkers across America/the internet have created the “Obamatini.” The recipe varies widely, but the general idea is a mix of about 3 shots of some sort of high proof liquor, 2 shots of pineapple juice, and a hint of ginger.

images3

It’ll look something like this.

Here’s hoping that someone makes a State of the Union Address drinking game this year.

George W. Bush

George W Bush 226x300

The President

Just look at this guy. Clinton dodged the draft, but Bush dodged two flying shoes at a press conference. He is as agile as he is aggravating. In fact, Salt Lake City mayor Rocky Anderson has been holding rallies for years decrying Bush a war criminal. Unfortunately, the mainstream media only covers rallies put on by Jon Stewart or the Westboro Baptist Church, so most people probably don’t even know that Salt Lake City has a mayor. Or care.

An often over-looked record that Bush set was the record for most days spent away from the White House. Bush spent 1,020 days out of office during his two term presidency. That’s more days than John F. Kennedy spent as president. And one fewer than he spent in Marilyn. Too soon?

The Drinker

Point of note about Bush: he has said that while he used to drink when he was younger, he doesn’t drink much anymore, making this section slightly hypothetical. But the thing about Bush is that, while he was a terrible president, I think it would be fun to have a beer with him. He seems like the kind of guy that would make some really awesome dick jokes when he’s not on camera. Plus, he spent 490 days at his ranch in Texas working on his cowboy routine, so I’m pretty sure he would like whiskey.

bush ranch5 201x300

He’s like a mix of Teddy Roosevelt and Brett Favre.

Franklin D. Roosevelt

fdr portrait 300x236

U.S. Presidents didn’t learn how to smile correctly until Carter got into office.

The President

In 1902 Roosevelt met a 17 year old girl named Eleanor, whose last name was suspiciously also Roosevelt. Ignoring that part, they began dating  a year later and got married in 1905. Despite the fact that Eleanor disliked sex, and once called it “an ordeal to be endured,” they had 6 kids, two of them named Franklin, Jr. If the press got mad at Taft for drinking before noon, you have to wonder what they said when they discovered that Roosevelt married his 5th cousin. It was probably something along the lines of “Who the hell marries their cousin?”

Somehow, Roosevelt went on to become the only three-term US president despite that whole weird sex thing. He was also one of the most productive and charismatic presidents in American history. He led the country through World War II, and his New Deal led us out of the Great Depression and really tidied up the place.

The Drinker

He’s not just a drinker, he’s every drinker’s hero. And not just because of how cool he looks in this picture:

suaveroosevelt

Oh Roosevelt, you are so suave.

The reason he should be revered is because he repealed Prohibition. You might say to yourself, “But Prohibition was instated by a Constitutional amendment, only Congress can overturn it,” and you would be technically correct, but this isn’t your article, so don’t interrupt. On March 21st, Roosevelt signed the Cullen-Harrison Act, allowing the sale of alcoholic beverages containing less than 3.2% alcohol. 9 months later, Roosevelt signed the 21st amendment completely repealing Prohibition, famously saying “I believe this would be a good time for a beer.” Because Wikipedia didn’t exist in those days, people documented the event with song:

Roosevelt was elected
Elected in time
Went to the treasury
And found one dime
Got back liquor
And got back beer
Heap better times
In the next four years.

A frequent drinker, Roosevelt often made his “Haitian Libation”, which, according to drinking blog SloshSpot.com, consists of a mix of dark rum, orange juice, brown sugar, and an egg white. It sounds weird but apparently the ladies loved it: his son Elliot said he made them “for women companions, when he wanted them to be frivolous.” Nice one, FDR.

Bonus: Winston Churchill

He was not technically a US president, but he was awesome as hell.

churchill

When Churchill makes the “peace sign,” it’s cool.

The Prime Minister

Winston Churchill is by far the most bad-ass prime minister England has ever had. It probably helps his reputation that he came after Neville Chamberlain, the King of Impotence. He’s the poor man’s FDR, and the rich man’s Earnest Hemingway.

Winston Churchill’s legacy (besides drunken quotes) was in his leadership and charisma. He united England when London was being bombed to pieces, forged military strategies with the US and Russia, and did all this while starring in the original Rambo.

winstonstallone

It’s amazing what steroids can do.

Despite his success  during the war, Churchill did not win his reelection bid, and retired to a life of painstakingly documenting and publishing everything that everyone did during World War II.

The Drinker

Winston Churchill is well-known for two things: writing too much about World War II, and saying awesome things while drunk. In fact, it is speculated that Churchill was an alcoholic through the end of his life.  Once when accused of drunkenness, he responded by saying “And you, Lady Astor, are ugly. But I shall be sober in the morning.”

His drinking even spread to his diplomacy – Former President Nixon claimed that he got his favorite recipe for martinis from Churchill. Churchill’s method was to mix 3 shots of gin with ice, then pour it into a glass and garnish it with a vermouth-soaked olive. Delicious.

moz screenshot 1
funny-cute-puppy-wearing-a-santa-hat-291x400 Bart john-denver-xmas Santa Fruitecake scrooge adam sandler

Comments