Five Steps to Ruin Your Wedding
So you thought you met the woman of your dreams? Only to find out she’s the psycho chick from hell the moment you asked her to marry you. You’re not the first guy this has happened to. Do you feel all of your weekend sports TV bashes with your buddies will soon come to an end, and all your dreams of sleeping in late and playing your favorite first-person shooter on your day off are over? Don’t worry. There is still a way out!
Many women actually spend most of their life dreaming about the day when they ‘finally’ get married, more than they do about the guys they are with. It’s sad, but true. So, if you are totally not on board your fiancé’s dream wedding plans, then it would be logical to do her a favor and get off that wedding train. There is no better way to get out of getting married than on the day of the wedding, when your chick’s emotions are at their highest, and her dreams are on-the-line.
Here are the 5 steps to ruin your wedding, so you can get your life back on track.
Step 1: Drink
There is one key ingredient to get your diabolical plan headed in the right direction. You guessed it, alcohol! If you want your life back, you will need to get heavily intoxicated to ruin this special day. A good idea would be to mix your drinks as much as possible, this will ensure that you are intoxicated enough to accomplish the next few steps.
Step 2: Be An Ass
Get violently vulgar with everyone, especially with your fiancé’s family. This should be easy to do after drinking everything you can get your hands on, but don’t drink too much! You don’t want to pass out, so eat a lot of food with your hands. This will help you to stay conscious for the next part of the irreversible plan.
Step 3: Ruin the Dress
By this time, your fiancé will have learned of your condition and will be undoubtedly headed in your direction. Your goal: vomit on The Wedding Dress. There is no turning back from this point — you are committed! If your stomach isn’t feeling up to the chore, then the next best thing is to grab a handful of the wedding cake and try to feed it to your soon to be ex-fiancé, ensuring that a large portion of the cake ends up on the wedding dress.
Step 4: Turn Dog
If all is going according to plan, either the father of the bride or her brother should be within arm’s reach trying to talk some sense into you. When this happens, begin hugging them and pressing your face against their lapel while making growling animal noises. This will surely make people think you’re going to bite them and will prompt someone to call your saviors, the police.
Step 5: Cops!
You’re almost home free! The last of the 5 steps to ruin your wedding is simple. When the police arrive, increase your vulgarity and then display some kind of obscene gesture at the cops. This will guarantee you a free ride away from the wedding grounds and will give your fiancé no reason not to dump you, with the full support of her family. On the way to the police station, you can rest assured you’re a free man again. Mission complete!