Breaking Down the Epic Sorority Rant
Apparently, the future soccer moms at the University of Maryland’s Delta Gamma chapter don’t take all that kindly to weird, boring, or even potentially gay. As is being reported by multiple new sources (including Gawker and Huffington Post) a member of the Delta Gam’s ‘executive committee’ unleashed the most awesome rant to a group of women this side of Heidi Fleiss questioning whether or not her den of hookers could drive or follow proper directions in a newsletter to her brothel. For the record, Fleiss also considered Monday Night Football to be the bane of her existence. Apparently, men actually will not pay for sex during this most sacred of all events.
In this e-mail (sent out to the entire chapter), Rebecca Martinson (pictured above), who is referred to as ‘Julia’, manages to use words that would commonly be considered an obscenity a staggering 17 percent of the time in an 880 word e-mail. Lets examine it in full…
“If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night-time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu.”
For the record, not since Harry Potter stepped into a double-decker bus in the Prisoner of Azkaban have truer words been spoken. If this woman does not end up eating people with a side of flava beans and washing it all down with a Chianti, then there is an excellent chance that her main goal in life is to cart her children around in a gas guzzling Sports Utility Vehicle while talking about how much her charity work means to her.
Additionally, at some point and time in someone’s life, this might be the woman who someone has to voice their Parent Teacher Association complaints to. After a lifetime of waking up eating your psycho nutty flakes, do not expect it to stop when she lives in the four bedroom down the street.
Awkward and Boring
“I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Julia, I’ve been having so much fun with my sisters this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to fucking find you on campus to do it myself.”
Well, it is rather obvious that we are not exactly dealing with a cheerocracy here. The main objective here seems to be that these women are talking to their friends and not actively fulfilling their roles of being party favors for the fraternity. Also, they are apparently committing the great sins of being ‘awkward’ and ‘boring.’ To wit, they are not actually performing blowjobs on the frat guys and those who have tried did it incorrectly. They should know by now that you do not get to be boring or awkward until after you are actually married. At that point, you have to prevent your kids from being boring or awkward.
“I do not give a flying fuck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the fucking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that’s not fucking possible if you’re going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.”
This is where she manages to shift gears from only memorable to truly epic. The interesting part about her fall from church choir to a literal straight jacket is that it actually reads like a halftime speech from a football or basketball game. The inference is “At the next party, I want us to get out there and have a GREAT PARTY! I want to see dancing on tables! I want to see shirts off! I want to see frat boys taking Jello shots off of your naked boobs! Get out there and be the women I know I recruited!” In her own twisted way, I think that this is actually meant to be inspiring.
Email Me Back if You are Mentally Slow
“This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people fucking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night-time events.”
I love how the discussion of a possible social faux pas automatically qualifies someone for a test of whether or not they have Down’s Syndrome. Really? Can you imagine some poor girl raising her hand while reading this email and then selecting ‘reply all.’ She could then take the next 45 minutes to type ‘I am mentally slow. Do not invite me to nighttime events.’
You can just imagine the scene during a Delta Gamma breakfast in which they are supposed to give people rides for votes on election days. “OK, now if any of you have not taken a shower today before offering a ride, then march your little ass right up stairs right now…and wash thoroughly before offering anyone a ride. We don’t want a repeat of last night’s Ice Cream Social. Even the guy in the Metallica Shirt and camo pants left disgusted when he smelled Amber.”
“If Sigma Nu openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite Zeta over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be post gaming at other frats, I don’t give a FUCK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON’T GO. YOU. DON’T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.”
Again, she manages to go into ‘Coach Mode.’ You almost have to wonder the exact amount of lusty slutty attention that the Zetas would give just to get an invite to a Sigma Nu party in College Park. Just to be interesting, they probably put four strippers right in their pledge class. How are the Delta Gammas supposed to compete with that? There are Zetas who have already booked their silicone breast implants this summer. They are out there. They are buying from Frederick’s of Hollywood. They are getting collagen implants. What are we doing? We are talking about SAE parties and bending over the wrong couches. Is that how we want to be known? Do any of you actually want to have to use your Elementary Education degrees to teach third graders? I don’t think you understand the severity of the situation here. You could be UNMARRIED and TEACHING THIRD GRADERS!
And Don’t Back Talk Me, Woman
“But Julia!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENTS TOO. I’ve not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like “durr what’s kickball?” is not fucking funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team.”
Not since the Kansas Cheerleader asked Brian Bosworth for an autograph while playing for the Oklahoma Sooners has their been an offense this egregious in collegiate athletics. There are Delta Gams out there at Greek Intramurals rooting for opposing frats. Never mind the fact that (despite probably being cheerleaders) these women probably don’t know that much about sports to begin with, there is actually a woman somewhere on this planet who is having a coronary right now over the outcome of a kickball game. Not since Steve Martin got arrested in the Father of the Bride over a hot dog / bun discussion has there been anything this funny or pointless.
“I WILL ASSAULT YOU!”
“The opposing. FUCKING. Team. ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP. I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a fuck if you SOR me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.”
Assuming that this woman is currently in the 18-22 demographic, then she has managed to live her entire life in the ‘reality TV era.’ She probably has entire cycles of America’s Next Top Model memorized. She was also more than likely raised to have loads of ‘self-esteem.’ As we all know, there is nothing (up to and including any type of actual accomplishment) more important than having oodles and oodles of self esteem. After all, such noble values as sportsmanship or even how to get through an entire sentence without using a curse word just seems to be beyond some people. Can’t wait to meet the kids.
“Ohhh Julia, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you’re a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:
DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT’S EVENT.
I’m not fucking kidding. Don’t go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than 80 that are fucking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t talk to boys I’m too sober”, then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don’t fucking show up unless you’re going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight’s event, I will tell you to leave even if you’re sober. I’m not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a fuck. Go fuck yourself.”
Her Momma must be so proud of her right? OK. Just to clarify, the point of this was apparently to avoid horrible public relations for the Delta Gamma Chapter at the University of Maryland. That was the point of this e-mail?
After this hit the web, the chapter president wrote to the website asking them to please strike the words ‘Delta Gamma’ as well as ‘Sigma Nu’ from the reprinting of the email. Why? Because, it is horrible public relations for the chapter, whatever values they believe that they espouse, the University, and knocks the Greek System all the way back to the 1980s. They could do a reading of this email with bleeped out words on Saturday Night Live next week and have an epic comedy skit.
Apologize? Apologize? Some one is going to wheel this woman’s happy rear out in a public setting where she will have to do nothing but apologize and tell everyone what a horrible public relations disaster she has been. Can’t wait for the photos of the party.
Now let’s all enjoy Alison Haislip do a dramatic reading of the epic rant :