Eight Chicks People Mistakenly Find Attractive

SJP

Somewhere, somehow, something went horribly wrong with how we, as evidently cock-eyed American males, perceive attractive, well-known females. I don’t know what it it or was, but we’ve been duped into believing that many of the women who grace our various forms of media are pretty. Now I’m not talking ‘pretty’ in the sense that, yes, these ladies have a certain kind of appeal for a small, very specific group of guys. No, I’m talking ‘pretty’ in the sense of actually being ‘beautiful’ and/or ‘gorgeous’. Ya know, the real meaning of the word. Sure, they might all have wonderful hearts (well, some of them) and gracious souls, but we’re talking about what’s really important: what’s on the outside.

8

Sarah Jessica Parker
Looks like a foot

Ever since her days as the gawky, awkward teen on the show Square Pegs, S.J.P. has become something of a bizarre phenomenon. In fact, she was far more attractive back then! Soon, her show revolving around the sex lives of four rancid, moronic ladies, called Sex in the City became a huge hit spawning two nauseating films and a prequel (that seems necessary) in the works. Why is this obviously malformed gorgon considered pretty? I don’t know but whatever magic spell she’s been granted by the ghost of Morgan Le Fey certainly has poor Matthew Broderick duped.

7

Teri Hatcher
Stepford-style scary

Oddly, and sadly, Teri Hatcher suffers from nearly the same affliction as S.J.P. She was only mildly famous, and a far sight more attractive, when she starred in her first big show, The New Adventures of Superman. She was shy, coy, and all together cute… but then some kind of gargoyle-like transformation took over and she became a splintered shell of her former self. It seems she, too, went the route of the ghastly grotesque and began starring in a show featuring creepy looking chicks doing creepy things called Desperate Housewives. Oh, and if you’re a guy and you watch this show, turn your dick into the organ donor desk immediately. She is not a pretty woman.

6

Fergie
WTFergie!

Ya know, even I used to believe that Fergie (she of the talentless crew known as the Black Eyed Peas) was kind of hot. But then it occurred to me that she is, basically, a saddle with ridiculous tits. Her illustrious career began years ago as a member of Kids Incorporated, which was a show that launched a few pre-teen singers and dancers into fulfilling lives of drug abuse and years of therapy… hey, much like Fergie! She was, somehow, voted number 88 out of 100 Sexiest Women in the World in 2006 by an apparently completely blind voting panel and now looks like one of those worn out mannequins sitting in a long-since closed store window.

5

Kristin Stewart
Pasty

I don’t know what’s worse: abhorrently irritating vampire movies featuring sullen, vapid vampires, or abhorrently irritating vampire movies featuring sullen, vapid vampires and the robotic Kristen Stewart. It’s a close call. This woman is the poster child for ‘One-Face All The Time’ acting (and I use that term as loosely as humanly possible) and may be the whitest person on Earth. Ya know, the more I think about it I suppose she was the perfect choice as the human-turn-vampire-turn-mother monster for the Twilight series, since any other female would require hours of whitening make up and expensive lessons on how to act like a totem pole.

Since we all love dry British wit (I know I do) head HERE and check out how much they detest this nimrod, too!

4

Julia Roberts
Spinster in training

Yes, fine, Julia Roberts has some kind of higher-than-thou, angelic appeal that seems to lift and carry her through every roll she’s given including playing a whore in Pretty Woman and a whore with a message in Erin Brockovich. Though she is several time zones away from actually being pretty, there is something about her that connects with the every-day American that somehow makes her always so damn popular. Maybe it’s the fact that we want to strap a feed bag to her face and toss on a saddle and keep her safe in a stable. See, cuz she has a face like a horse. Exactly like a horse.

3

Pink
There’s a woman in there somewhere

I don’t even know where to begin with this Pink character, so let’s just go the old checklist route and see what she isn’t rather than what she is. Sexy? Well, I guess if you find adolescent boys sexy, then, well, you should be immediately incarcerated. Hot? Lord no. That’s like calling your weird neighbor who collects old underwear ‘hot’. Feminine? Um… this is where we tread a bumpy road. There are pictures that show she has some semblance of boobs, so I guess that is a check in the chick column, but then there are pics of her playing with her dick… so, strike three I suppose. Just because your name is Pink does not automatically guarantee you Lady points.

2

Cameron Diaz
Is the pretty one behind her somewhere?

Yes, there was a time when Cameron Diaz was actually really, really hot. Remember that Jim Carrey movie The Mask? Yep, that’s officially the one and only time. Since then she has somehow let her body become more akin to a bag of Lincoln Logs and has let her face morph into a simulacrum of some kind of extinct dinosaur fish. Worse yet, she’s not only irreparably hideous, but she’s also inconceivably annoying. Every roll she stars in she somehow manages to up the level of vacuous stupidity immeasurably, and turns what otherwise might have been a decent film into an exhaustive and futile attempt at a dramatic comedy. Unfortunately, she tends more toward the human equivalent of an airline wreck: so abysmal it’s nearly impossible to look away.

1

Lindsay Lohan
Wretched human being

The simple fact is, when you become an alcoholic, drug-addled slice of human excrement who pretends to be an innocent angel whom everyone is apparently out to get, no one is going to ever look at you the same way they did when you starred in Disney’s The Parent Trap remake. I’ll stipulate that she has a really great rack, looked and acted relatively non-obnoxiously in Machete, and was brought up by a set of parents who’d be better off raising feral wolves. But none of those things are completely valid excuses for being an unabashed cunt all the time. She has been in and out of court more times than a convicted serial killer, and has been given more second chances than former President Bush. She is an ugly human being with a jacked up mug who is literally seconds away from dying in a urine-stained hotel room surrounded by enough drugs to sedate an elephant.

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