How to Get That Dream Job
Job interviews are difficult. You have to look presentable, wear a tie and hide your real personality under a thin veneer of manners and outright lies. They don’t have to be awkward though, follow these three simple steps and you’ll have the job of your dreams in no time. DISCLAIMER: Dreams count as reality for the purposes of this article.
Wear your most revealing clothes
Look, if you’re a woman with shapely assets why not put those assets to good use? God gave you them for a reason. So, basically if you want the job, just show a little boob. And if you really want the job, subtlety imply that you will have sex with each member of staff to secure the position. You don’t actually have to go through with it, once you’ve gotten the job you’re protected by the phrase “sexual harassment”, so it’s a win-win situation.
If there’s a definitely heterosexual woman on the panel, complement her on her boobs, women love that sort of thing, don’t they? Now if you’re guy it’s a little more difficult. Tight trousers never hurt Bruce Springsteen, so give that a shot. If your backside isn’t your best feature, you’ll just have to crotch stuff. At the very least you’ll look like a healthy virile young alpha male and hopefully not someone with socks for a penis.
Answer each question truthfully
The truth will set you free and definitely get you a job. So, when they ask you about that gap in your CV from March 2002 until June 2005 answer truthfully, “alcoholism.” When they ask what criminal convictions you had, tell them you used to molest children and, finally, when they ask you what would you do if faced with an irate customer, tell them you’d politely deal with their problem and, if they’re still not happy you’ll pummel them until their nose “comes out the back of their face.” Don’t ever worry about going too far, they’ll love your honesty. That’s what interviewers always want, an unmasked look at who you really are and who doesn’t love you?
When they ask you if you have any questions, tell them exactly what you’re thinking
They want you to ask questions, so tell them what’s on you’re mind. Ask the male interviewer “what’s the talent like on the floor?.” Or “stealing from the job’s allowed, isn’t it?” and finally make sure to ask the pretty blond interviewer with the short skirt is she “good for a quickie in the back room?”
Three simple steps, follow them religiously and you’ll definitely have your dream job soon. Prostitute or pimp is what you’re looking for, right?