Breaching Men’s Room Etiquette
As a man, there are some rules that are simple, finite, and unquestionable. Many of us men work in an office building with public restrooms. As a result, we stumble upon men’s room faux pas on a weekly basis. They irritate us more and more every time. Some men don’t seem to understand these social constructs. We’re willing to bet that every man who reads this can relate to at least one of these. Most events occur at the urinal because apparently a lack of walls equals a lack of personal space.
CHATTY KATHY
There is no reason to speak to another man within the confines of the men’s room. The sole exception is at the sinks. Even then, the conversation should be limited one or two words per person. We’re not women, don’t pretend to be one.
When at the urinal, you face straight ahead and nothing short of a nuclear attack should break your focus. You also cease all conversation. No one wants to talk to you when you have your dick in your hand. Most men have once walked into the men’s room with a co-worker (purely coincidental) and he tried to continue the conversation once inside. It is up to you to put an abrupt halt to that dialogue with a stern “DUDE!”. He might still not get it. He’s a moron.
Also, speaking to a man in another stall should be punishable by law. Check your TP supply upon entering. No excuses.
No cell phone use either. Let it go to voice mail, call the person back. Please don’t hold a conference call while another man is pinching a loaf. Ugh.
THE SUPERMAN
This guy is so damned irritating. He will stand at the urinal, both hands on his hips and taking a leak like it’s some kind of GD magic trick. Do yourself a favor, do the next person to use that urinal a favor, do the cleaning lady a favor, AIM YOUR SHIT! The puffed out chest that can accompany this pose is either a method of aiming or he’s just trying to show off. This guy is an ass.
THE WALL LEANER
This special brand of jackass finds it necessary to turn the area into his own private lounge. He’ll usually sigh audibly to announce his presence, find a urinal next to the wall, and flop against said wall like a bear teetering on hibernation. He’ll take his leak at an angle, tempting fate and physics the entire time. Hey asshole, need a rest? Use the stall.
THE PECKER PEEKER
This closet case will peer over at your junk while standing next to you at Urinal Row. This guy is easy to pick out if there are dividers between the units (as God intended). It’s a bit more subtle a move if there are no dividers. This goes back to the original point, eyes straight ahead. Move your head to the side, you’re gay. Unless, of course, you are trying to search for a Miami Dolphins Super Bowl ring missing a gemstone. Even then you’ll probably end up making out with a dude. Lesson learned, Ace. Lesson learned.
Another important part of Urinal etiquette is Urinal Selection. To help you with that part of your education, we present the Urinal Game:
Finally, we’ll end with a quick poll question. This debate has raged on in our office for the better part of a year. Is it acceptable to fart in the men’s room? Personally, my argument is that it is completely acceptable. Everyone is there for the same reason, the passing of bodily noises and functions. If you cannot openly fart in the restroom, where can you? I’m not going out to my car, just to break ass. I won’t do it. For this, we ask you, is it acceptable to fart in the men’s room?
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Funny stuff…nice debut, Brandon.
Good stuff, bra, and I passed the quiz with pissing colors!
ace ventura reference FOR THE WIN.
oh, and as far as talking in the restroom. the guys i work with are more my buddies than just co-workers, so we fuck with each other all the time. joking that the one taking a shit is jacking off, or laughing about something else while taking a piss.
i think it all depends on your relationship with the other person in the restroom, but i must agree, do not make small talk with an acquaintance or a stranger while you are doing the duty. keep that shit to the sinks.
[...] Breaching Men’s Room Etiquette [Gunaxin] [...]
yay another homophobic post!
I don’t want to live in a world where a man can’t fart in a bathroom
I love that game.
So, if I am gay, does that mean you’re giving me permission to look at your dick when you’re at the urinal, Brandon? Because all you say about looking ahead is that if you don’t, “you’re gay.”
Hmm, how about we just apply the same bathroom rules to everyone, gay or straight. I don’t want anyone taking sideways glances at me when I’m taking a piss, either.
farting is wrong in all situations. the correct etiquette is to hold it in for life. eventually, it will puff you up, and you appear larger and more physically threatening. this makes you the dominant male, and ensures you will mate.
Wow, homophobic much? You can’t take a piss unless everyone else in the room is perfectly silent, standing in a military formation? Maybe you should visit the ladies room instead. Seriously, buddy, grow a pair and just take a goddamn piss.
Ummm… Charles… Russell. You’re gay. Sorry. Debate over.
[...] Breaching Men’s Room Etiquette (Gunaxin) [...]
urinals are always so awkward when theirs other guys their lol. but man i feel bad for chicks cuz they have to sit on the toilet seats to go, ugghhh.
the last time i used a public toilet was when i was a kid in junior school , and some other kid climbed the stall and lookeed at me from above!!!
This article isn’t homophobic, it’s small penis syndrome. A lot of guys have this, almost half. Quit hating Brandon, fags
Way to be on the cutting edge of humor there bro
Farting is ok in the mens room if you are in a stall. Another tack entirely is to let out silent but deadlies around the work place where no one can tell who it came from. That way you don’t have to make it to the safety and guilt free comfort of a mens room stall. Keep in mind that you might have to protest your loud innocence as the mayhem ensues.
“you’re gay”
“we’re not women, don’t pretend to be one?”
seriously?
the author of this article has the comedic sense of a six-year-old.
Obviously you can fart in a men’s room. If you’re in the men’s room and another guy farts and you have a problem with it, grow the fuck up or go to the ladies’ room. And any guy who doesn’t already know everything written in this article should just not consider himself a man. Turn in your membership card, maybe the hermaphrodites will accept you. Go peek around the restroom and make stall-to-stall chit-chat with them, ’cause you’re officially kicked out of the male race. Your father should have raised you better.