Beware the Holiday ‘Mirror Girls’

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Not only are the holidays upon us, but the holiday party season is upon us too. This is the time of year in which you can ring in Christmas and the New Year. There is also statistically an increased possibility that you can hook up with a complete stranger who you will be filing a court action against before the end of next year. Everyone knows that women take forever in the bathroom getting ready to go out. Men don’t know this is not only a physical but also a psychological process.

A good part of the preparation involves trying to go out not carrying enough emotional baggage for an entire load of train passengers on the 9:30 to Marrakesh. They are spending this time trying to press the emotional reset button remembering how an evening goes without crying into the phone and questioning someone’s manhood. A lot of the time, they have to call their friends for tips. There is a good chance you might get laid by one of the ‘Mirror Girls.’ There is a better chance that you won’t.

Smoking Hot, Never Married, Over Thirty

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Let's take stock of the supposed nirvana that you have just found. There is a beautiful unattached woman who has never been married with no children talking to you.This may seem like the greatest moment in your life. But think with the top brain for just a moment. You are probably not the first guy ever to have this idea. Also, you are a guy. You are not a special guy. You are just a guy. You are not more sensitive than any other guy. It was not just a string of bad luck that she had. She is finally getting around to being interested in someone like you because there is a history of psychosis there that you will not be able to break.

Show us the most beautiful woman in the world and we will show you at least one guy tired of dealing with her. She will generally say things like her last boyfriend did not respect her or listen to her. She did not mention that he tuned her out after listening to the time when she was fifteen and it was President's Day while her first true love did not celebrate their two and a half month anniversary. Don't just assume that you are automatically going to be better than every other guy.

The Psychological Strip Tease

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If she starts opening up to you about her past, she does not find you really trusting or really open. She is not feeling all vulnerable in the sight of your rock hard manliness. The truth of the matter is that her friends have stopped answering her calls or returning her messages. Remember, upon a first meeting, she is actually putting her best foot forward.

If the discussion starts off with her telling you that her dog and Dad died on the same day she discovered her boyfriend humping her half-sister, keep in mind that everything will go downhill from here. This is her absolute best attempt to seem like a perfectly normal human being without four restraining orders and a threat against a pet bunny on her resume. Again, the thought should not be, "Wow, this beautiful woman is talking to a schmuck like me...." The thought should be, "Why is this beautiful woman talking to a schmuck like me?"

She Seems Overly Attentive

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If she is listening to everything you say and asking questions about you, this means one of two things, and neither of them are good. First of all, she cannot think of a blessed thing to say about herself or her situation that will not devolve into screaming psychosis. The second possibility is that she reads women's magazines... a lot. This might go great for the sole purpose of feeling better about talking about yourself. It is not a great sign when discussing potentially being attached at the hip to this person in six months.

The same magazines that tell her to sit attentively while you babble on the six different types of investments your bank makes is the same person that is checking astrological charts for when you are most likely to cheat. All of the sudden you will get a text stating, "It only takes you thirteen minutes to get home from work. It took you fifteen minutes today. WHAT IS HER NAME?!" If you manage to catch yourself talking about yourself and you can't remember what her last name is or that she is wearing a red bra strap, it might be time to get a few more details before you wake up tied to a bed while your tires are quickly losing air.

Things Get Physical… Fast

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For women, sex is not actually a compliment in a lot of cases. She is not actually overpowered by the mere presence of your manliness. Your ruggedly athletic features are probably not what is deciding the situation in your favor. If she is getting physical with you quickly and needs you in a back closet right now, then there might be a few things in play here. None of them are really complimentary to you.

First, she thinks that you are such an unbelievably useless mound of flesh that there is no hope of any emotional attachment even if she does actually just have sex with you. Second, she has gotten into an argument with her actual boyfriend or husband (who is still very much in the picture) and decided to go and do the first thing that comes her way. That first thing was simply you. Even though you were never told about it, you are still the otherguy who will have to pay for this. Third, assuming everything about this is okay, this is still a woman who will drop her pants in a broom closet on a whim. Having you (no matter what sort of sexual beast you are) will never fundamentally change that fact or make it any different.

There Are A LOT Of Other Women Around

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If this becomes something serious, then you are only going to get one of these women. The rest are simply there to tear apart every shred of your relationship and question your dignity. You are not just buying into one, you are signing up for the soap opera of the entire group. Women will always have friends. However, if it's a large group, then you are going to get to hear about every one of them.

They will in turn dump gasoline into a fire of psychosis before even beginning to give you the benefit of the doubt. These are the same people who thought that Kris Humphries was the most hated man in the NBA because Kim Kardashian got final say over edits of her own show. This is a nuclear estrogen bomb and you just cut the wrong wire.

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