Five People You Pay to (Unintentionally) Terrify Your Children
We’re not under any illusions that our readers have kids, and really, for that we are truly thankful. However, believe it or not there are people out there having sex and procreating, and if any of you ever get that opportunity (don’t snicker) you’ll learn that kids are great. Well, so we hear. We were pretty awesome as children, after all.
In any event, good parents will do anything for their kids, from buying them awesome shit for Christmas, putting them through school, and scaring the ever loving shit out of them at every turn. Wait, what? Yes, we meant that last one. Here are a few examples of people that parents actually pay to creep out their children. We can only hope it’s unintentional.
5. Theme Park Mascots
Now we know that your kids love a good animated film wherein a talking animal displays its comedic brilliance by farting, but there’s something disconcerting about seeing a giant mouse or duck waddling toward you when you’re four years old. Those lifeless black eyes, the giant devilish grin that just never goes away, and that damned giant fuzzy duck insisting on hugging you and just not letting go until a photo is taken.
All the while there you are, pushing your kid toward Mickey and telling him to get an autograph or give in for that creepy hug, blissfully unaware that you’re feeding the nightmares of your children for years to come. Actually, you’ll probably know later that night when you sleepily call housekeeping at your hotel telling them you need an emergency change of the sheets.
4. Animal Wranglers
No, we aren’t talking about blue jeans for cows. Instead, we’re talking about the people that parents pay to bring strange animals around your kids, from snakes to spiders to donkeys that smell horrible and shit everywhere and terrify your kids with its ever expanding dong. Hell, that giant donkey dong alone still scares the shit out of us, and we’re “adults.”
Sure, some kids do enjoy little creepy crawlies, but unless you know for sure that your kid is just going to love having a snake draped around its shoulders, you might wanna go ahead and just give him an X-Box instead.
Kids love magic. Just look at Harry Potter! But we’re not talking about fictional wizards with adorably round glasses and a penchant for snogging their best friend’s sister. No, we’re talking about grown men dressed in long black capes (who, come to think of it, dress an awful lot like Dracula…coincidence? Well, probably) who pretend to make animals and people disappear and, on several occasions, have apparently butchered their assistants by cutting them in half or running swords through them.
Yeah, that’s exactly the type of shit a little kid wants to see before he goes to bed. No way would he ever have nightmares about a creepy guy in a flowing cloak breaking in and cutting his little ass in half with a giant saw.
Clowns are great, aren’t they? What with their juggling, comically falling down, ability to cram themselves into tiny cars and, oh yeah, the batshit insane makeup they wear. Sure, all circus folk and carnies are pretty terrifying when you get right down to it, sweeping into town, hoisting up tents complete with freak shows, and just as quickly disappearing, probably after murdering and/or kidnapping several tiny little children, but clowns are the creepiest of the creepy.
There are plenty of reasons to find clowns terrifying, not the least of which are their strange proportions (those feet are ridiculous!), the one piece outfits they wear, and the fact that those are grown men and women bumbling around getting way too close for comfort, most likely drunk off their asses.
And when your kids learn about It or John Wayne Gacy, that clown you hire for little Billy’s birthday party will only get more terrifying.
1. Department Store Santas
Alright, finally we get to the most unintentionally creepy guy on the list, and we put him at number one with a bullet because with Christmas shopping in full swing, chances are when you head to the mall you’ll see Santa sitting there on his throne, waiting for parents to pay to have their kid sit on the lap of a complete stranger who may or may not be a homeless drunk the other 11 months of the year.
But wait, you ask, Father Christmas? The jolly old Saint Nick, who only wants to give your kids presents? Well think about it for a second, and tell us that Santa isn’t a little creepy. We’re talking about a big, fat, hairy old man who you pay to let your kid sit on his lap, only to have him ask your child if he or she has been naughty, claims to always be watching them, and promises to sneak into the house in the middle of the night when they’re fast asleep.
Come to think of it, Santa’s pretty damn creepy in general when you get right down to it. Did you ever notice that on To Catch a Predator, they always leave out cookies for the would-be pedophiles? Well, we can think of one other person who sneaks into the houses of children with cookies left out to entice him. Hey, Santa, Chris Hansen would like you to have a seat right over here. And no, he won’t sit on your lap.